I've started several different posts this week, and each time I ended up erasing it all and moving on to something else. Nothing seemed to be flowing right. Nothing seemed to fit. The first few attempts ended up making me more than a little frustrated. Normally when I have a thought about something, or an idea for a post hits me, I run with it! And that happened many times this week. However, I'd get a few sentences into it and BAM my mind would go blank.
My usually full-to-overflowing 'writers mind' was unnaturally empty.
I think I figured out why. Just tonight, actually.
The three of us and Jaime's family went out to eat at a nice restaurant tonight for Wray's Birthday. We sat at a large table and it just so happened that there was an extra seat. It was the seat to my right, and all through dinner I could see it out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't help but think that it should have been Mom's seat. It made me feel really empty inside.
It was the same empty feeling I had earlier this week when I, out of habit, set the table for 4.
It was the same empty feeling I had while I was running errands on Wednesday. That is something Mom and I always did TOGETHER, and I hated having an unoccupied passengers seat.
It was the same empty feeling I had at Walden books when the cashier looked up my Border's Rewards account, and asked if I was Karen....I forgot I always used Mom's account. I asked her to delete the account.
It was the same empty feeling I had when I opened up the mail box and pulled out a large envelope from Chevrolet "Congratulating Karen on Your New Impala". This is the car my Pap bought for Mom just 2 days before she had her stroke.
It was the same empty feeling I had when I was looking through books at Ollies and saw one titled, Special Thoughts for a Special Mom, and realized I don't have anybody to buy that book for.
It was the same empty feeling I had while I was driving home from the market tonight in a thunder storm......Mom LOVED thunder storms.
I've had a couple really empty weeks, and I realized that I just needed to sit and cry while I posted about Mom.....which is what I've been doing this whole time. All those other posts I started were about something 'serious', and subjects that were going to take some thought. But I knew I would find healing and peace just writing about Mom.
Not sure if this empty feeling will ever leave. I don't want it to, actually. I've been trying to fill the spot with thoughts of Mom. Anytime it hits me I try to think about what she would say to me to cheer me up. Sometimes this works, other times it just makes it worse.
With most of my posts I end with pulling all my thoughts together to make a point. However, I have no point to make tonight; no way a wrapping it up.
I think I just needed to get this post out of my system
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2 comments:
Kristin, my very wise husband who has experienced many losses, always told me....just let it go. Tears, frustration, sadness, sobbing, whatever. Often, I suppress. But acknowledging the pain, feeling it, using it....does have some benefit, even if we'd rather not. Praying for you today.
Love
Felicia
Kristin as I read this tonight Sunday September 19th, actually Monday morning Sept.20th at 12:10am my heart is breaking for you again. I love you so much and your Mom loves you so much!!! I know today was a day that we were both missing her soooo much. She would be so Proud of you heading out to your new job tomorrow. I'm sure she will be looking down on you and praying you have a Great 1st day on the job! Just remember the good/fun times with her and it really helps. And like Felicia said in her comments just let it go. It helps so much to cry and laugh. Good night Kristin Baby!!
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