I am a Fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I am not proud of what I am about to tell you. In fact, this is the third time I have written this post. The first two attempts were quickly deleted before I posted them, because I was just too embarrassed to let the world read about my failures.

But I finally decided that if I tell you about it, maybe it will become easier to regain control of the situation if I have friends and family helping me out...so I'm not deleting it this time... I WILL post this! 

Here's what's going on...

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had a very cheery disposition. Always happy, always smiling. My mom called me "Cheerful Kristin".

I was a happy person. I prided myself in being such an optimist; always finding the good in every situation.

That is, until all these health issues started happening to my body; and with those problems came negativity, sadness, and a grumbling spirit.

Looking back over the past six years of my life, I remember all the bad times, all the times of hardship, and basically all the things that make for a really awesome pity party!

Over the past 2 weeks, for reasons I have yet to figure out, these negative thoughts and pessimistic attitude have made their presence known in my life 10 fold.

I can pinpoint the main cause, which for most people in 2012 is the same...finances. 

Stressed is not strong enough of a word.

There are days when I don't want to open the mailbox because I know there will be another bill...another late notice...someone else wanting money that I don't have.

And the stress from that has seeped its way into every little nook and cranny of my life. Parts of my life that have nothing to do with finances are being knocked flat by this horrible attitude that I have had. 

Grumbling because my laundry room smells like cigarette smoke and I can't figure out why.

Yelling at Sadie because she has to bark at Every. Single. Car. that passes the apartment. 

Cursing the horrible old carpet in my apartment, and the new kitchen floor I was supposed to get that has somehow been forgotten about.

No vacation this year...or last? ssspphhh Who needs vacation anyway?


My list goes on...and on. I have not been a happy person. In fact I've been down right horrible, and probably no fun to be around.

Even looking back over my Facebook status updates for the past few weeks I realized how negative and miserable I sounded. 

I missed church on Sunday, mainly because I was just having one of those days where I didn't feel like being around people. Nothing to do with my church family, because I love them! ...it was just people in general.

Well, I woke up Monday morning feeling horrible. I was mad at myself for missing church, feeling horribly lonely, and just wanting to crawl into a hole and stay there for a while. But I knew that was no good. 

So, I tried my hardest to think of something positive to do.

Hmm, well, I've been hiding out in this apartment for the past 48 hours...how about getting outside in the sun! It's so nice out, and I love feeling the warm sun on my skin. I'll go out and pull all those nasty weeds around my front stoop and flower pots. Yeah, that's a positive thing to do.

ha

I wasn't 2 minutes in to pulling weeds when my horrible attitude started showing. 

My landlord's power of attorney was supposed to send someone over here to clean this all up...but has she done that yet? nooo. And who has weeds for a front yard? Why can't I live somewhere with a yard? A beer bottle? C'mon people...if I find one more beer bottle under this bush I'm gonna stand guard here every night until I catch you...I'm not sleeping at night anyway.

"Sadie! Quit barking at the neighbors cat!"

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Check behind me...pile of weeds is getting quite large...complain about all the weeds again. 

Pull a weed.

I wish those guys in the auto mechanic place next door would quiet down.

Pull a weed.

AAhhhh! It's the mailman! Please don't stop here, please don't stop here.


People, it was bad. I was so wanting to pick up my little garden shovel and dig that hole so I could hide for a few days.

And then it happened.

I turned around to check on my mountainous pile of weeds again, and there stood Sadie right in the middle of the pile, peeing all over my weeds. Not just a little pee. Drenched my pile of weeds.

Count to 10.  1...2...3...4...5...6...7.......

See, my normal cheery self would probably have laughed, but this Negative Nancy that has taken over me the past few weeks just did not see the humor in the situation. That's when I realized how utterly miserable I was making myself. Yes, it took my dog peeing on a pile of weeds, but hey, whatever works. 

So I'm trying, I'm really trying to fight all the negativity and my horrible attitude. So please, friends and family, if you notice me being especially negative, or having a nasty attitude please tell me.

I'm trying really hard to find my cheery disposition again...I will not let my current health situation take that away from me! Satan is trying so hard to get into every part of my life, even my attitude, but I will not let that happen. He has been attacking for over 6 years now, and there have been so many times that I just wanted to give up, but by God's strength I carry on. 

I will get my life back.

I will do awesome things for God.

Satan has no idea what he's got coming. He may have knocked me down and be laughing at the state my health is in right now, but once I'm back on my feel he better watch out.

he will not win this one

 I am a fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I absolutely love this picture.
Isaiah 41: 10,13
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. 
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you. 
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
For I hold you by your right hand - 
I, the Lord your God. 
And I say to you, 
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.