My Story Has A Victory!

This is a long one, blog readers, but its worth it when you get to the end and read about my victory! This is the last installment in My Story.

The best thing that has happened to me up to this point is the day my mom walked into that pharmacy. I don't know what led her to that particular place, but God was definitely behind it, because Pharmacist Brad was just who I needed to see.

We talked to him for several hours one day, told him my symptoms, a basic time line....anything we thought he would need to know. He didn't have to think very long. He simply stood up, said, "I have some papers I want you to read", and walked into the back of the store.

About 5 minutes later he came back with a stack on info papers. What he explained next sent me down a totally different path health-wise.

Now, Brad is a 'Pharmacy Doctor', so he know more than your basic pharmacist. He said that he believed I had Adrenal Gland Fatigue (AGF). What? I had never heard of such a thing! After a lengthy explanation, I went home with some tests to see if this might be my problem.

I'm not going to try to tell you everything he explained that day, but this is the basic explanation of AGF.

The Adrenal Glands control the process of many functions in the human body. Adrenal Glands are best known for developing a lot of different hormones. These hormones are extremely necessary for one's body due to the fact that they are primarily responsible for providing the body with Cortisol, WHICH DEALS WITH ONE'S LEVEL OF STRESS. The problem with adrenal gland disorders is that they may cause a person's glands to build too little  or too large an amount of hormones for the human body to handle. 

After completing these at home tests ( my family members also did these tests, and I was the only one who showed a positive result) we decided this man knew what he was talking about! He recommended I see a doctor who is about an hour away. She had a certain test that would prove for sure if AGF was really what I was dealing with, and she also leans towards more natural remedies.....rather than narcotics!

I went to see her a few weeks later, took the saliva test, and low and behold, Kristin Skidmore has Adrenal Gland Fatigue. Not depression! My mind went way back to all those stressful times in my life: my mom's heart surgery, the failed relationship, my grandmother's passing. All of it made sense now! I wasn't depressed, my body physically couldn't handle the stress as well as others.

 AGF can cause symptoms similar to depression, but any anti-depressant you take isn't going to help. It may seem like its helping at first, as was the case with me, but eventually it ends up making your problem worse since the side effects are exactly the same as the list of reasons for taking the drug! How messed up is that?!

The Panic and Anxiety? Yes, AGF is definitely the factor there. Because my body wasn't producing enough DHEA (the hormone produced by your adrenal glands) it had absolutely no energy in the morning, which explains why the Panic and Anxiety attacks primarily always came first thing in the morning. They wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I hadn't been on the anti-depressant! Ugh, that first doctor!

So my new doctor, Dr. Jones, whom I fell in love with the moment she opened her mouth, gave me lots of natural ways to helps strengthen my Adrenal Glands. She also suggested that I start to wean myself off of the anti-depressant.

I went home that day so encouraged and ready to get going on my Adrenal Gland Support supplements.

GREAT idea #2!

Everything is going great! Christmas...New Years....Panic attack....WAIT! What? Yes, near the middle of January 2010 I had a massive Panic Attack. Never made it to work, Mom had to come find me, blacking out, confusion, and for the first time I said, "I don't want to be alive. I don't want to do this anymore!"

I was so sick of the way my life was, that I just didn't want to do it anymore. Thankfully, I never had any ideas of hurting myself or doing anything stupid. In fact, I think I was too out of it to think of anything like that anyway. I just knew I didn't like my life.

Mom calls Dr. Jones and tells her of my panic attack. She tells mom that I should just stop my anti-depressant right away.

Hmm. Bad idea....6? ....7? I forget.

Dropping from 60mg of an anti-depressant to 0mg is a horrible, awful, incredibly stupid idea! The effect that took on my body was relentless. My Panic and Anxiety attacks continue and I made it to work about 50% of the time.

And yes, sad to say, I lost my job. That job that I loved so much, but my body just couldn't seem to handle. I had to take the tags off my car because I couldn't afford the insurance, gas, and repairs without a paycheck.

Finally, after doing lots of research, we found that you can't just STOP this medicine. You had to bring yourself down slowly...a few MG a month!

So, in March 2010 I started my own pharmacy :) Dr. Jones suggested an amount of mg to drop per week/month, and I talked to a pharmacist friend and got advice on the best way to go about this. So, I started pulling apart those little pills, and counting out teeny tiny white bead-like objects.

During February and March, my symptoms escalated. Between my AGF and the withdrawl symptoms of weening myself from the medicine, I was an awful person to have to live with.

In March 2010 the church my sister and her family attend held a prayer vigil. 24 hours of prayer. I handed in my prayer request, and within 12 hours after the end of the vigil, my withdrawl symptoms were GONE! Not a single symptom! They just left! Praise God!

After the withdrawl symptoms were out of the way, I could deal with my Adrenal Gland supplements.

I took a second saliva test, which showed that everything I had been doing to strengthen my adrenal glands was definitely helping! Dr. Jones said to continue whatever routine I already had myself on.

This has now been 5 years of my life. Its June 2010 and I'm still counting out those awful white beads each week. I have no money, no car, no Independence. I'm living at home with my parents, and at 21, I would like to be thinking about setting up my own little apartment. However, that's impossible when you don't even have enough money to buy a bottle of shampoo.

Its a Thursday afternoon. Every member of my family is at work, and I'm stuck at home with no car. I was not a happy camper. A horrible mood and a bad attitude weren't helping the matter either. With absolutely nothing else to do, I decided to house clean my room.

I'm grumbling my way through it, wishing the whole time that could wake up and find this to all be a dream. I was hating my life.

I'm yanking stuff out of my closet when my childhood jewelry box is suddenly uncovered when I move a pile of clothes. Bored with dusting and sweeping, I plop down on my bedroom floor and start looking through the box.

Memories started flooding back as I pulled all sorts of little girl type jewelry from inside the box.

Suddenly my eye caught something that I didn't recognize. As my fingers wrapped around this object, I started to cry before I even saw what it was.

It was a shiny silver necklace with 5 little beads. These beads spelled the word GRACE.

My mind immediately went to Ephesians 2:8

For it is by Grace you have been saved, through faith

--- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.

And there, sitting on my bedroom floor, a cried out to God. I asked Him to forgive me for trying to fix this on my own, and forgetting about His Grace. For forgetting that my life is a gift from Him, and that He was beside me since that night at camp. He never left!

Even through my darkest days, when I was sure this world would be better off without me, He was there.....loving me.....cheering for me.....holding me.....crying with me.

And now, even though I may still be counting those beads, and continuing my Adrenal Gland support, I feel 5,000 time stronger just knowing I'm not alone. He is always with me!

I had the amazing opportunity to visit Covenant Life Church and hear Joshua Harris speak just a few weeks ago. During the service a young lady gave her testimony---which wasn't too far off from mine--- and right then is when it hit me. I needed to tell my testimony story! She gave me the courage! Thank you so much, Erin!

Since I found His grace I have seen so often how He has been in my life.

I met two new friends, had breakfast with them early in the morning, and felt His Grace around me the whole time!

I've been offered a position at a Home Health Care Agency (which, if you remember, is where I wanted to work when I started my CNA training), and an interview with another this week.

I'm starting a Drama ministry at my church. Yes, Drama! You know.....that thing that cause lots of stress for the directors? Well, I'm the ministry team leader, director of the first show, and have never felt so good about anything!

I'll be spending my afternoons this week as a camp nurse at a local children's church camp. And guess what! Its the same camp ground where I prayed the sinner's prayer and heard God speak to me that night! I remember exactly where I was sitting that night 11 years ago, and I'm going back. I need to go back there to thank God for everything He has done for me since that night. I'm going to sit on that bench and remind myself that He hasn't left my side, even through all the pain over the past 11 years!

Thank you all for sticking with me through these long posts and reading my testimony! I'll be continuing this blog with regular posts, but I'll keep you updated on God's Grace in my life!

Always remember:

When our pain increases, God's Grace increases.

When our sin increases, God's Grace increases.

There is nothing you can do to make God love you less, and there is nothing you can do to make God love you more. He's with you through the good times AND the BAD!

Going through a struggle in life, just to learn about God's Grace: Not exactly an Amazing idea, but it definitely had its perks :)

My Story Zig-Zags

After organizing my thoughts and memories, I've come to realize that I still have a lot to tell you. So, rather than dragging this on for a month, I'm just going to start putting more in one post. Be prepared to read a long post!


So, its January 2009. I have just started this new anti-depressant. I'm having a hard time adjusting, and am totally embarrassed! I didn't want anyone to know what kind of medicine I was taking! Other than my immediate family, I didn't tell a soul. Even my own sister and brother-in-law didn't know for months.


Once my body started to adjust, I thought I was feeling a little better. So, encouraged, I re-enroll in all my classes from last semester at Garrett College.....


Bad Idea #3!


All through February and March things seem to be going at least OK. I'm trudging through classes, and I've learned to live with the awful side effects of the medicine.


And then April arrives. My dear Grandma Rosina passes away from complications after open-heart surgery. My body goes crazy!


I can't focus. Nothing makes sense anymore. My brain is literally in a blur.


Yes, I had to drop all my classes at GC. I was starting to realize that my body wasn't handling stress the way most bodys do. Yes, my whole family was upset about Grandma, but my body's reaction to this stress seemed different than theirs.


A few months go by, and I'm now working at a very low stress job. My father had hired me to do the bookkeeping work at a local corner store. I seemed to be able to handle that ok, although I wasn't working very many hours.


While reading the news paper one Sunday afternoon, I notice an ad from a local College saying they would be offering a Certified Nursing Assistant/Geriatric Nursing Assistant course for 10 weeks over the summer. I was so excited! I looked up all the info on their website, and was enrolled by the end of that week.


This 'break-up depression' that my doctor had diagnosed me with seemed to be under control with the medicine. So, without even thinking about how I was feeling, I plunged into summer school.


All through June I'm feeling great! I have a 104% so far in my classes, and I'm thinking I'm back to normal. However, near the beginning of July, I wake one morning not feeling right. I was dizzy, had the shakes, my stomach was upset.


By the time I left for school I was so dizzy I didn't think I was going to be able to make the 25 minute drive. I made it though, and told my professor right away that I wasn't feeling well. Conveniently, I was in nursing school, so in just a few minutes my classmates had taken my pulse and blood pressure. My pulse was 98 (normal is 72) and my BP was somewhere around ---way to high! My professor gave me an excused absence and sent me home. I was fine by the next morning so I went to school as normal the rest of the week.


It was getting closer to the end of the semester, and clinicals were just around the corner. Class was getting really stressful really fast!


By now, I had started to have more and more of these mornings where I'd wake up not feeling quite right. Only by God's grace was I able to shove through these days, pass my classes with flying colors, and complete clinicals right along side my class mates.


It's now August 2009. I passed all my written exams and skill evaluations and have received my CNA/GNA license --- which I proudly framed and hung on my bedroom wall :-)


Now that I have my license, I want a job!


Bad Idea #4!


After only a few weeks, I'm hired at a local nursing home. I did NOT want to work in a nursing home! My hope after completing my training was to work in home health care. However, it was a job and I was broke!


Only a few days at my new job go by, and those 'not quite right' mornings start showing up again. Only this time, they're 100% worse! I literally couldn't get out of bed! As soon as I would wake up, I'd start crying and screaming, I was dizzy, I couldn't put two thoughts together, and there was no way I could function.


Because of all this I had to call off work several times. One morning it was so horrible my own father wasn't strong enough to get me out of bed. It was like I had the strength of 200 men. My muscles would tense up, and I would roll into a fetal position and there was no way you were moving me. It wore me out so much, that I would easily sleep 40 out of 48 hours.


The horrible thing is, I'm telling you this now, but I don't remember ANY of it! All this is from what my family has told me. It was like I would black out during it all.


I had an episode one morning that was so bad my parents took me to the emergency room. However, by the time we got there, I had 'calmed' down, and was starting to feel a little more 'normal'. After talking to the ER doctor, he diagnosed me with Panic and Anxiety. Anytime any little bit of stress would enter my life, I would lose control.


A family friend recommends a new doctor. Not wanting to go back to my previous doctor...who at this time I was still upset with for 'mis-diagnosing' me.....I agree to see the new doctor. He promptly doubles my anti-depressant dose, and gives me a prescription for a narcotic Anxiety medicine.


Lets see...what number are we up to now? 5? Yes, I believe so.....


Bad Idea #5


The prescribed narcotic gave me an awful headache and made me so sick at work that I was throwing-up in the residents bathrooms. You can't take care of someone else when you're feeling as awful as I was.


At this point I'm grasping for straws. Anything that will make me feel like the 'old Kristin'. I start attending a new young adult Sunday school class at church. That didn't work....I can't tell you one thing we talked about, or who was there each week. My brain was zoned out!


Work just didn't seem possible at this time, so I had to resign my job due to medical reasons. My supervisor was great. She totally understood, and said she would hire me back as soon as I got feeling better!


We are now in November 2009. I've been off work for about a month. What I'm about to do next appeared to be a good idea at the time, but looking back now I realize just how stupid it was. I hadn't been working for a month, or doing ANYTHING else for that matter, so I had no stress in my life.....obviously I would be feeling better.


So what dumb idea do I have? I accept a position at a Pediatrician's Office. A full 40 hour a week job. This is during Swine Flu season, so its HIGH STRESS!


This isn't just a bad idea...it's a dumb idea


So....DUMB Idea #6


I'm not sure what I was thinking. But I guess when you can't put two thoughts together, you can't really be expected to think through decisions before you make them.


As soon as I start working again, the panic and anxiety attacks come back. A few mornings I had to pull to the side of the interstate on my way to work because I suddenly wouldn't know where I was. I would call home from the side of the road in complete panic! Sometimes I would make it to work on those kinds of mornings, sometimes my mom would have to come find me sitting along side the road and take me home.


I loved the job.....when I was there. We knew I had to do everything possible to keep this job. So my Mom went to a pharmacist who specializes in herbal supplements. She tells him my health history, and takes me in to see him.


Finally, I've been waiting so say this for oh so long....


GOOD Idea #1 :-D

My Story Turns Black

I can't really explain what happened next, because I'm still trying to figure it out myself....six years later. Can't even tell you a specific date or time; I just remember slowly, over time, starting to feel weird. 


A few things that I noticed right away:

• Things that used to make me happy were now just a bother.
•  Crowds of people petrified me! Ask me to walk into a crowded room and I'd freak out!
• I couldn't stand going to work, because that meant I'd have to actually talk to people.
• I stopped hanging out with my friends.
• I became very undependable.
• I began to lie to my family trying to hide how I was really feeling.
• Miss sweet Kristin turned into Miss cynical.

Nothing made me happy anymore. Kristin Skidmore was feeling really BLUE. 


I go 18 months like this without mentioning it to my family. Looking back on it now I know they noticed it too, but I thought I was hiding it from them.


And then it happened. Prince charming walks in! All was right with the world again! Being with this person was the only, let me repeat ONLY, thing that made me happy for quite a while. He had arrived at the perfect time too. My mom was about to have open-heart surgery, and I really needed a friend.


I thanked God all the time for sending this person into my life. Marriage was talked about...we talked about 'us in 10 years from now'.


Yes, 17 year old Kristin Skidmore thought she had her life figured out....with this person included in her future. 


This extra special person goes away for approx. one year, as part of a ministry program. I anxiously wait his return...for when he returned, we could finally start our life together.


Finally he comes home.....with a girlfriend. He's a completely different person than when he left a year ago. I feel abandoned.


My little rain cloud suddenly grew to a Hurricane. BLUE turned to BLACK. The darkest, deepest black imaginable.


Yes, I know this kind of stuff happens alot. Relationships change everyday, and people are affected by it all the time. But my body didn't seem to be handling it quit right. I had the obvious 'break-up' symptoms: couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, etc. But I got to the point where I couldn't funtion...I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't go to work...and don't anybody talk to me! I felt like a limp, wet, washcloth.


These symptoms from 18 months ago came back with a vengeance, and now I couldn't hide them anymore.


I flunked my Anatomy and Physiology class at Garrett College. Ok, so I failed every class that semester. Kristin Skidmore doesn't flunk classes. I had a 4.0 gpa, which suddenly dropped to a 1.7! My family knew something had to be done.


 So, what do you do in a situation like this? You go see your doctor.


Thats Bad idea #1.


My doctor laughs it off as 'break-up' depression, prescribes me an anti-depressant, and kindly tells me, "Don't worry honey, there are other fish in the sea." I was so mad at her that I left without telling her this all started before the failed relationship.


So, after some counsel from wise christian elders, we determine that the anti-depressant can't hurt and might actually help.


Thats Bad idea #2.

My Story Begins

For those of you who are not my Facebook friends and therefore did not read one of my last status': I am going to start off this blog by telling my testimony. I'm going to spread it over several posts, as I think my head would explode if I tried to say it all at once.


So, my blog readers, here is the first installment of My Story.


I've been thinking for the past few days how I wanted to start this. I would think I had decided, and then remember some detail that I had left out, which would take me back several more years of my life. And then, the 'big bang' happened. Not exactly sure how I had forgotten about this detail! But once you know the whole of my story, you may understand why I had forgotten what I am about to tell you.


Laying in bed last night as I was thinking about this blog, I was suddenly taken back to the night that I accepted Jesus into my heart. My friend had invited me to her church's kids camp, and I decided to go. Growing up in a Christian home I had been to many summer church camps.


One evening around the camp fire, my cabin counselor lead me in saying the sinners prayer, and what I once claimed would never be forgotten was this:


As we closed the prayer and said 'Amen', I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was a large hand, so I assumed it was Pastor Ray. As I looked up I heard I voice say, "I am here now, Kristin". I turned to tell Pastor Ray about the prayer I had just prayed, but instead I saw him talking to some kids across the pathway. The hand was still on my shoulder, and again I heard, "I am here now, Kristin". Full of excitement I told my salvation story to my church congregation the very next Sunday. Yes, at 9 years old, I was ready for what God was going to do in my life!


Years go by, and all is well. I was that little girl who always went to church, and loved Jesus with her whole heart. But after a while, as I mentioned before, I forgot about the details of that night at camp.


Enter my teen years. 13.....14.....15.....16.....wait! Go back to 15. That's the year the storm started......when the black cloud came to my life.


To be continued........