An Apology

It is 4:30am and I have yet to sleep a wink since the sun set last night. I have about 5 or 6 different things laying heavy on my heart, and I believe one will be lifted if I make an apology. 

So, here it goes. 

In the past few weeks some faults on my part, as well as some misunderstandings, were brought to my attention from several different sources. I won't go into much detail here. 

If you have ever felt uncomfortable around me, or like I was judging you, I'm sorry. I was definitely not trying to make you feel this way and had no idea my attitude was coming off as judgmental. 

If it ever seemed like I was being fake, or like I was only being nice because I "had to", I'm sorry. Again, this was unintentional.  I have always thought of myself as a kind person and easy to get along with. So I apologize for my attitude suggesting otherwise.

Really, if I have ever done anything to hurt you it was unintentional and I was oblivious that anything was wrong. (or I would have apologized sooner)

I love all my family and friends, and it has been weighing heavily on my heart since I found out I had hurt or offended any of you. I would prefer to speak with all of you face to face, but it may be a while before I see you again. So please accept this as an apology. I was oblivious to the fact that any of this was going on. So thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will try my best to figure out a solution so I can avoid this in the future. 

Love you all! Have a great weekend!

I am a Fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I am not proud of what I am about to tell you. In fact, this is the third time I have written this post. The first two attempts were quickly deleted before I posted them, because I was just too embarrassed to let the world read about my failures.

But I finally decided that if I tell you about it, maybe it will become easier to regain control of the situation if I have friends and family helping me out...so I'm not deleting it this time... I WILL post this! 

Here's what's going on...

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had a very cheery disposition. Always happy, always smiling. My mom called me "Cheerful Kristin".

I was a happy person. I prided myself in being such an optimist; always finding the good in every situation.

That is, until all these health issues started happening to my body; and with those problems came negativity, sadness, and a grumbling spirit.

Looking back over the past six years of my life, I remember all the bad times, all the times of hardship, and basically all the things that make for a really awesome pity party!

Over the past 2 weeks, for reasons I have yet to figure out, these negative thoughts and pessimistic attitude have made their presence known in my life 10 fold.

I can pinpoint the main cause, which for most people in 2012 is the same...finances. 

Stressed is not strong enough of a word.

There are days when I don't want to open the mailbox because I know there will be another bill...another late notice...someone else wanting money that I don't have.

And the stress from that has seeped its way into every little nook and cranny of my life. Parts of my life that have nothing to do with finances are being knocked flat by this horrible attitude that I have had. 

Grumbling because my laundry room smells like cigarette smoke and I can't figure out why.

Yelling at Sadie because she has to bark at Every. Single. Car. that passes the apartment. 

Cursing the horrible old carpet in my apartment, and the new kitchen floor I was supposed to get that has somehow been forgotten about.

No vacation this year...or last? ssspphhh Who needs vacation anyway?


My list goes on...and on. I have not been a happy person. In fact I've been down right horrible, and probably no fun to be around.

Even looking back over my Facebook status updates for the past few weeks I realized how negative and miserable I sounded. 

I missed church on Sunday, mainly because I was just having one of those days where I didn't feel like being around people. Nothing to do with my church family, because I love them! ...it was just people in general.

Well, I woke up Monday morning feeling horrible. I was mad at myself for missing church, feeling horribly lonely, and just wanting to crawl into a hole and stay there for a while. But I knew that was no good. 

So, I tried my hardest to think of something positive to do.

Hmm, well, I've been hiding out in this apartment for the past 48 hours...how about getting outside in the sun! It's so nice out, and I love feeling the warm sun on my skin. I'll go out and pull all those nasty weeds around my front stoop and flower pots. Yeah, that's a positive thing to do.

ha

I wasn't 2 minutes in to pulling weeds when my horrible attitude started showing. 

My landlord's power of attorney was supposed to send someone over here to clean this all up...but has she done that yet? nooo. And who has weeds for a front yard? Why can't I live somewhere with a yard? A beer bottle? C'mon people...if I find one more beer bottle under this bush I'm gonna stand guard here every night until I catch you...I'm not sleeping at night anyway.

"Sadie! Quit barking at the neighbors cat!"

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Check behind me...pile of weeds is getting quite large...complain about all the weeds again. 

Pull a weed.

I wish those guys in the auto mechanic place next door would quiet down.

Pull a weed.

AAhhhh! It's the mailman! Please don't stop here, please don't stop here.


People, it was bad. I was so wanting to pick up my little garden shovel and dig that hole so I could hide for a few days.

And then it happened.

I turned around to check on my mountainous pile of weeds again, and there stood Sadie right in the middle of the pile, peeing all over my weeds. Not just a little pee. Drenched my pile of weeds.

Count to 10.  1...2...3...4...5...6...7.......

See, my normal cheery self would probably have laughed, but this Negative Nancy that has taken over me the past few weeks just did not see the humor in the situation. That's when I realized how utterly miserable I was making myself. Yes, it took my dog peeing on a pile of weeds, but hey, whatever works. 

So I'm trying, I'm really trying to fight all the negativity and my horrible attitude. So please, friends and family, if you notice me being especially negative, or having a nasty attitude please tell me.

I'm trying really hard to find my cheery disposition again...I will not let my current health situation take that away from me! Satan is trying so hard to get into every part of my life, even my attitude, but I will not let that happen. He has been attacking for over 6 years now, and there have been so many times that I just wanted to give up, but by God's strength I carry on. 

I will get my life back.

I will do awesome things for God.

Satan has no idea what he's got coming. He may have knocked me down and be laughing at the state my health is in right now, but once I'm back on my feel he better watch out.

he will not win this one

 I am a fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I absolutely love this picture.
Isaiah 41: 10,13
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. 
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you. 
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
For I hold you by your right hand - 
I, the Lord your God. 
And I say to you, 
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you. 

In a pickle

In a Pickle: "In a quandary, dilemma."


Yes, I am in quite the dilemma, and I'm praying that someone who reads my blog has been in the same place before and can share some advice and wisdom on my situation. Here's whats happening...


My doctor has be on a few different meds right now. The main one, and most important, is what gets me through the day. If I forget to take it...well, lets just hope I don't ever forget to take it =] No problem here, this part is not what is giving me trouble.


It's the other two...


One is just a mega dose of vitamin D. Such a high dose that my doctor gave me a prescription for it, because you can't buy it off the shelf. Basically, if I don't take it I have 0.0000 energy. Like, can't make it out of the house kind of energy. HAVE to take this!


The other one he gives me is to counter act the first two. Both my regular med and the vitamin D give me such energy that I CANNOT SLEEP at night! So he gave me a 'sleep aid' to take so I can actually sleep, like a normal human being. Sounds logical, right?


Well, this natural sleep aid that I take Knocks. Me. Out. Within 20 minutes of taking it I'm out like light bulb. And don't expect to see me anytime soon, because after taking this I could sleep for.ev.er. Literally slept 24 hours straight last week because I took HALF a pill. 


I've tried taking it at different times of the day, not taking a whole dose (like a mentioned before), only taking it a few times a week.


Nothing seems to be working. 


So if I don't take the sleep aid I'm up all night, falling asleep around 6am, and then sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. Kind of like tonight, when I'm blogging at 1am instead of sleeping, because I feel quite wide awake!


If I DO take it, the fire department may just have to come blow their whistle outside my bedroom window to wake me up.


So, anybody out there have any brilliant ideas? I have to take the Vitamin D, no questions asked. And it would be nice to actually sleep at night, so the natural sleep aid would be nice if it worked properly.


Please help! I've got to get this figured out so I can actually live my life.

The Joys of Leftovers!

Tonight's dinner: Cornbread and Chili Casserole! 

I was going to say, "And here's dinner for the rest of the week", but  after eating the first piece I don't know if it will last that long! =] I was really hungry for something like this but couldn't find a single recipe that I had all the ingredients for. So I just kind of combined a few recipes and made the rest up as I went along, and it is quite delicious...if I may say so myself =] Now please excuse me while I go eat some more!

Rainy Day Inspiration

I was a little bored today, and as I was sitting in my living room watching the rain out my big picture window, I suddenly felt inspired. I have a dress that has been in my closet for years that I have only ever worn once, many years ago! Mostly because it just didn't fit right, and the one time I wore it it felt like a big feed sack. No structure to this dress whatsoever!

<--- See? It was just a sad, sad dress.


So in my moment of rainy day inspiration, I decided to finally fix it 'Kristin style'...which means to just start cutting and pinning and see what happens :]






It took longer than I thought it would, but I'm quite happy with the results. It started out that I was just going to take it in a little and fix the neck line, but I ended up taking the whole dress apart!

Here is the finished product. What do you think?

Front

Back

Yes, I'd like to refill my 'stupid' pills, please.

It's been one of those weeks when the alarm clock goes off in the morning and I hit snooze...and then hit it again...and then again. Obviously this has me rushing around when I finally do pull myself out of bed and makes me want to curse the 25 mph speed limit that is 95% of the trip to work.

Why? Why can't I get out of bed this week? Why am I so exhausted? I'm not staying up any later than normal.

Well, I'm a big dummy.

Along with my 'once a day every day' medicine that I take, my doctor prescribed me a once a week little green pill that is basically jam packed full of vitamins... "You need more energy, Kristin!" he says. "Your Vitamin D level is drastically low! It's the worst I've seen for a long time...how do you have energy to do ANYTHING?"

Guess who forgot to refill that prescription last week? And guess who hasn't taken that cute little green 'energy' pill this week?

Yup, that'd be me...the girl who can't get out of bed!

Man, my doctor knows what he's talking about! haha That makes me feel good :]

Energy Depleted...Time to Relax!

Yes, it's me...the long lost 'Online Journal' blogger. 

A slightly more than usual busy schedule, combined with financially opting to discontinue my Internet service for about a month, led to me abandoning this little corner of the world wide web.

It's nice to be back though, and I'm going to take advantage of this connection time until my wallet changes that again for me :]

In fact, I have a new post all worked out in my head...but unfortunately this head of mine is beginning to thump, and I'm starting to feel a little under the weather. My comfy sweat pants and baggy t-shirt are calling my name, and the super soft pillow and comforter on my couch look oh so inviting! I'm headed to relax for the evening!

Check back in the next few day though! There won't be nearly as much time in between posts!

In the meantime for the next few hours this is how you will find me...

 

Goodbye for now, and enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

I'm a -green bug drivin' - suv lovin' - shoulda been an Astronaut- kind of girl

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

--C.S. Lewis--

I love to hear kids say, When I grow up I wanna be...

I asked several kids this week what they want to be when they grow up and I received these answers:

• An Artist
• A Cooker aka Chef
• Superman
• A Cowboy
• The mail guy
• The pet fixer aka Veterinarian

Well, 6 year old Kristin (aka me) wanted to be an astronaut! But I discovered that dreams change as you get older. Because now, 23 year old Kristin does NOT want to be an astronaut. 23 year old Kristin has to take a double dose of anxiety meds before getting on an airplane :] I still love astronomy, and love to sit out late into the summer nights staring at the sky, counting how many constellations I can still identify. However I prefer both feet firmly planted on planet earth.

As I grew up, around age 12 I declared that when I grew up I wanted to:

• Get married
• Homeschool my kids
• Be a dance teacher
• Own a shiny black SUV

Ask any of my family. They will confirm that I repeated this over and over.

While I'm not married with kids, I am still hopeful :] And I'm not a dance teacher to the degree I had hoped, but there are little girls out there who know me as, Miss Kristin, the dance teacher.

But in September 2010 when I drove off that car lot in my shiny black SUV, nothing else mattered. I was in love.

And oh do I still love that shiny black SUV.

However, as the gas prices started to get higher and higher, and my gas needle started dropping faster and faster, it quickly turned into a love-hate relationship. 

There came a day when I finally had to tell myself that I simply couldn't afford my shiny black SUV anymore. Yes, I cried.

 So over the course of several months, I started looking at some other options, but kept stalling so I wouldn't have to part with my childhood dream car. But the bank account is now saying No more stalling!

So I began my search again. And after only a few days I found a dealership who is giving me an awesome deal on a trade in. A trade in on what, you may ask?

A bright green, Volkswagen Turbo Beetle. 32 mpg beetle vs. 16 mpg SUV. hmm.

I wasn't convinced at first. In fact I left the dealership only to return later in the day when realizing this was the best deal I was going to get. So I test drove that beetle.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Is that thing ever fun to drive! Don't get me wrong, its no SUV, but thats the most fun CAR I've ever driven :] I drove it back onto the lot with a smile on my face and the saleswoman said, I told you you'd like it.

So, hopefully I'll know for sure on Monday if the deal is going through.

As I think about driving away leaving my shiny black SUV behind, I feel like crying; but then I remember that green VW Beetle and can't wait to drive it again!

So even though my dream of being an Astronaut changed, my dream of that shiny black SUV is still there. And I thank God for the 18 months I got to live out that dream. Who knows, maybe one day I'll have a shiny black SUV again.

So, here's where you can help. I name my cars. Yes, I'm that kind of person. 

My first car was Lucy, my second Ethel, and my SUV was given a name by my grandfather that I can't write on here because it would probably get me in trouble :]

So...any name suggestions for a green VW Turbo Beetle? No, Herbie is NOT an option! lol

Sorry Brittany, I can't give it to you as a birthday-christmas-wedding gift, but I'll let you take it for a spin :] 

The Old Young Me!

I cannot tell you the last time I felt this good! I would have to guess back before I turned 16.

Finally I feel like my old self. The old young me :]

My Mom used to say, "Kristin, what happened to the happy side of you? You used to be so bubbly and happy all the time! Now you seem to have less excitement for life."

Well, people. The OLD Kristin is back. My energy is back. My thirst for fun and excitement is back. My longing to actually do something with my life is back!

So watch out world...the Kristin that my Mom loved is back and here to stay. She gave Satan a side kick to the throat and threw him away! Buh-bye!

For He has rescued us from the kingdom of 

darkness and transferred us into the 

Kingdom of his dear Son. ---Colossians 1:13

And It's Only Day Two

I've mentioned my new job on Facebook, but to my readers who are not connected with me through Facebook: I'm a Nanny again! Started on Monday!

I feel so blessed to be working as a Nanny again and only 2 days into it I already know that this is going to be awesome! 

I never thought I'd be able to say this, but I feel like I'm 15 years old again...back before all my health problems started and I felt like a 'normal' human being. This new doctor has been great, and I really do feel like my old young-self again :]

Tomorrow is day 3 of my new job, and already I've rediscovered some 

Telltale signs that I'm a Nanny!

• I walked around all afternoon/evening after work wondering why I could still smell baby puke. When I got home from the market I caught a glimpse of the back of my shirt...yes, dried up baby puke alllll down the back of my shirt.

• I have mastered the art of getting a 6.5 month old to open his mouth to eat his food. You spin in a circle, make a funny face, and say "Ta-da". He then laughs just long enough for you to slip the spoon in his mouth and dump the nasty sme...I mean, yummy smelling baby food on his tongue. 

 

• Toddler-talk is now my second language. 

 

• On my way home from work today I wasn't listening to my favorite Adele CD. No, I was singing the Bubble Guppies song.

 

• An afternoon snack of Goldfish and a juice box are now part of the daily routine. 

  

Somthin' from Nothin'

Today I took...

...a $5 flat bed sheet...

...a scrap of fun red fabric...

...and made new curtains!

Booya!

Take that $20-a-panel-curtains-from-Walmart! These actually match the room and didn't cost $40 :]

Change

Did you notice the new blog design?

How about the new music?

Change. Something that didn't bother me a whole lot until after Mom passed away. 

                               Change:

to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., 

 of (something) different from what it is or from 

 what it would be if left alone:

The change that comes with the death of a parent is not something you should have to deal with at my age. It's not natural. My future course was changed. My family's life was not left alone.

So because of that I tried to control everything I had the power to keep from changing. For the longest time it gave me the feeling of power. Like I was karate chopping the devil in the face and saying

Ha! Take that Devil! Let's see you try to mess with this part of my life!

Like the devil really cares that I refuse to use any kind of laundry detergent other than the brand Mom used.....even if the other stuff is on sale! 

Yes, POWER!

No, road blocks.

 Laundry detergent? A road block?

Yep. And all the other silly little things too. I was living in the past. It felt as if I was holding on to a piece of Mom by keeping everything else as normal as possible. Right down to listening to music every Sunday morning while getting ready for church; or the way Mom's purse is still exactly the way she left it the night before she passed away. I even had an extremely difficult time deciding to grow out a particular hair cut because Mom had loved it so much.

And I know a lot of things will still seem 'normal' simply because it's just what comes naturally; because of the way I was raised some things just come from habit.

But I realized I was holding on to things and forcing myself to do things a certain way because this is how Mom would have done it.

No. Mom would have said, "Do it YOUR way Kristin. Live your life. Be your own person."

Sigh. Right down to my blog.

Mom and I sat together one night and designed my blog layout, making sure all the little details were just right. It took us hours! We loved it!

But it's been like that for almost 2 years, and recently I was kind of wanting a change. *gasp*

And for months I refused to change it because thats the way my blog looked the last time Mom saw it.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I had a dream the other night in which Mom was quite upset with me that I was holding on to all this silly stuff. When I woke up the next morning I felt like she had kicked my butt in to gear. Funny how she still has the ability to do that :]

I started slowly making little changes over the next few days. Hence, the new blog design. One of the smaller things yes, but I'm still working on it.

With Mom's butt-kicking dream and my new medicines making me feel a little more like a human being, I fully intend on making changes in the more important and bigger things in life. Like becoming my own independent person, and not relying on my Dad for so much support from the other side of the country.

I'm a big girl now :]

That big stuff will take some time; so for now I'm going to work on some more of the smaller stuff.

So pardon me while I go rearrange my pots and pans.

 

 

Stuck Like Super Glue

One of my friends told me something a few years ago that I have never forgotten. She said, "Kristin, I wish I was as close to my brother as you are to Wray."  I guess Wray and I have had such a good sibling relationship since day one that I took for granted how special it really is.

As I was looking through some family pictures a few days ago, I rediscovered a bit of the length and awesomeness of our friendship. I love my brother very much, and am so glad we were raised in the home we were and that our great friendship continues to this day.

Being only 17 months apart we made pretty good buddies for each other growing up.....and still do today :)

Take a look at some of the pictures I found, and I think you'll understand what I'm talking about!

Wray was always there to help out 'baby Kristin'...even if it was blowing out some candles.

 

I do believe I followed him everywhere!

In a relatives wedding, about 20 years ago. He had to hold my hand so I would walk down the aisle.

I think I may have idolized him a little :)

People used to mistake us for twins.

Looking at this picture I can see where they got that idea from.

First picture where we're not side by side! *gasp*

Christmas Eve, and I think this is the only way they could get us to settle down and sit still: bury us 2 feet deep :)

Mom would say, "Wray boy, why don't you go read a book to Kristin baby?"

I owe all my driving ability to Wray's instruction :)

I don't think an earthquake or hurricane could have torn us apart.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers! It's Morphin' Time!

Here: I'm messing up the picture.....

And here: Wray's messing up the picture.

We drove that jeep around so much that one day it just suddenly died. Oh how sad we were.

Look what the 90s did to us!

We're just sitting there watching a guy dig up our yard with a backhoe. Oh, how easily we were amused.

And here we're watching bails of hay being made. See? Didn't take much!

How lucky were we to have such a good relationship?!

This picture is a little blurry, but the memory of this day is so clear.

On 'break' while spending the day at our Dad's restaurant. Really, I think we ate more food than what our help was worth :)

Our dog had a litter of puppies that kept us entertained for a whole summer.

Wray is not very fond of this picture. I'm not sure why, because I think it's great!

Yep, I can see the twins thing again.

I love this picture! lol

Mini golf...we're equally bad at this :)

We had so much fun putting this Lego battleship together we took it apart and put it all back together again the next night.

4-wheelin' in the mud...a favorite past-time!

This is the day we left Wray thousands of miles away so he could start his first year in Master's Commission. This was not the best day of my life :/ About 2 seconds after this picture was taken I started bawling my eyes out.

"Pen Cap!"

A little more recent, but still a few years ago. 

Most recent picture of us, just a few weeks ago at church.

So yeah, all those pictures just to say that I think my brother is pretty awesome! I'm so grateful to have a big brother who is so in touch with God, and I love being his baby sister!

I love you Wray! You're my favorite brother :)