Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
August 9, 2012
My Thoughts Are Lost in 2010
I have been thinking about this particular post for several weeks now.
What should I say?
Should I even write anything at all?
How do I begin to put into words what I am feeling right now?
I haven't answered any of those questions yet. I don't know what to say, or if I should even say anything at all. And heaven knows I don't know how to express the feeling you get when you lose someone so important to you.
I would say it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt than the normal physical pain of 'hurt'. It's more like an ache in your soul, your heart, right down to the core of your innermost being.
In other words, it pretty much sucks.
Today, August 9th, marks the 2 year anniversary of Mom passing away. Two years. Two years?
I usually know exactly what to say. I normally don't have trouble writing a blog post, but on this particular day, my mind is not here...not here on this blog. It's back in 2010 recalling every memory possible of Mom's last few days. I'm at a loss for words.
And for that reason I will end with this.
I had the best Mom ever. From the beginning of time to the end of time, nobody has ever had or will ever have a Mom as awesome as mine. I love her with all that is in me, and my heart aches aches aches for her every day.
To hear her voice.
To feel her touch.
To have the comfort of having a Mom. (Because you don't realize what comfort and support they are until they're not there anymore)
Mom, I miss you terribly, I love you for eternity, and I wish you were here so badly. Can't wait to see you again! ---Kristin Baby
May 13, 2012
What I Wish I Could Have Said
Standing by my mother's side during her final hours there was a lot I wish I could have said. But during times like that, with watery eyes and a throat that seems to be about 1/10th it's normal size cutting off air supply, talking isn't really the easiest thing to do.
For hours all I could get out was,
I'm so sorry, Mom
and
I love you so much!
So I decided that on this day, Mother's Day, when everyone tells their moms just how much they mean to them, I will do the same. I want to tell my Mom what I wanted to say so bad on August 9th, 2010.
Dear Mom,
I can't believe this day is here. You always told me to prepare myself, that Jesus may call you home sooner than we expect. I always ignored you when you said that, because I didn't want to believe it was true. But here we are. It doesn't seem fair to me that your life was cut so short.
Today I lost not only my Mom, buy my best friend. You always told me I needed to go do things with my friends, and "stop hanging around your Mom so much", but oh how glad I am now that we have all those memories! Truth is, I wanted to spend so much time with you because I wanted to learn how to be just like you. You are my hero...my inspiration...my source of strength.
I'm going to miss seeing your smile everyday, and passing notes in church...shhh :) I will miss our random road trips, and your creative ways to make Sunday afternoons interesting!
No one will ever make cabbage and carrot burritos quite like yours, even though I may try from time to time. And I wish I knew exactly how you made your potato soup. You must not follow the recipe, because I have tried and it never turns out quite like yours.
Will you tell me where you hid the "Mom's secret handbook"? You always claimed there wasn't such a thing, that you were just that smart :) But how did you always manage to have the right answers to all my problems? I'm still convinced you had a guide book! lol
And I promise that I will keep our secret about the theater at The Creation Museum! If ever I get to go back there with someone else, I won't say a word :) Oh, and that crazy movie incident? Mums the word!
Thank you Mom, for all the memories! I will never forget all the sacrifices you made being our mom, and I can only hope to be half the mom you were someday. You were selfless. You were encouraging. You were motivating. You were superb. You were Super Mom!
You should have been here for many more years, but Jesus decided you needed to come home. And with the peace only Jesus can give, I know we will be ok. It will hurt, and I will miss you all the days of my life, but knowing we will see you again makes this a little less, 'final'.
I love you and miss you already!
'Til we meet again,
Your Kristin Baby
aka "My strong willed and stubborn child" ...sorry about that :)
May 8, 2012
Because Writing Things Down Gets Stuff Off My Mind
This is not the post I had originally planned for this evening. In fact, it's totally off the topic of the first planned post. But I had a conversation with someone today that put my brain on this track, and with all the attention Mother's Day is getting on the radio...TV...Internet...my mind will not rest until I type this out.
I will warn you, this details several events from the last days of my Mom's life here on earth. If you prefer not to read such details please don't continue. Also, I don't know what my point is yet. Usually when I start a post I have an ending point in mind...I know the message I'm trying to get across.
Not this time. Maybe by the time I reach the end of this white screen I'm filling with words my mind will have figured that out. Until then, though, I'm just going to type what is on my heart.
August 8th, 2010
It's Sunday morning. I'm running back and forth between my bedroom and the bathroom getting ready for church. My nephew Noah had spent the night with us, so I have a little shadow following me around.
I hear my dad call me from his bedroom, and I didn't think anything sounded any different about his voice...I don't remember it sounding panicked or alarmed, so when I turned the corner into my parents bedroom what I saw totally caught me off guard.
There was my Mom leaning against my dad, one hand on her chest, and one side of her body looking really weak. I will never forget the look in her eyes as my eyes met hers. She looked scared. And anyone who knew my mom will understand that she didn't scare easily.
"I think your Mom had a stroke", my dad said through tears. "Oh Kristin, what do we do?
The hairbrush I had in my hand dropped to the floor as I said, "Call 911!"
I raced to retrieve the phone as millions of thoughts were clogging my brain.
I was no stranger to calling 911 for Mom. The first time I had that experience it was just Mom and I at home. It was my 18th birthday and we were getting ready for a day of shopping and pampering. Just over 2 months since her surgery, when she started to have pain in her chest she feared a heart attack.
In the end, it was not that serious. She had just tried to do too much too soon after her surgery and caused a teeny tiny chip in a bone.
So as I was running to get the phone on the morning of August 8th, one of the thoughts that was clogging my brain was, Not again. Please God, let her be ok this time too!
Dispatcher: 911, what's your emergency?
We need an ambulance. I think my Mom had a stroke!
Dispatcher: Ok ma'am, can you tell me why you think she has had a stroke?
Her speech is slurred, she can't use one of her arms. She's a heart patient.
Dispatcher: Ok, we have an ambulance on the way. I need to you make sure your Mom is laying flat with no pillows, and as still as possible. Can she tell you her name?
I ran back the hallway where I see dad has laid Mom down on the bed, and I give him the instructions to lay her flat with no pillows. Leaning over the bed I say, Mom, can you tell me your name.
She tried. And when she couldn't tell me her name, the look of panic in her eyes intensified, and that's when I couldn't control it anymore. I burst into tears but still managed to finish the conversation with the dispatcher.
Between then and the time the ambulance showed up it seemed like a year had passed. I had to call my sister and brother-in-law and tell them the news and ask them to go get Noah. I sat with Mom trying to keep her calm. Moving Mom's new car out of the way so the ambulance could drive through the yard to the front door wasn't so much fun.
The ambulance finally arrived, we gave them a list of her medicines and a brief rundown of her health history.
The next step was to get me and dad in the car and out the driveway. My sister quickly showed up to follow us down in her car, and I made the dreadful call to my brother who had left for church while we were all still sleeping earlier that morning.
You need to go to the hospital. We think Mom had a stroke and she just left in the ambulance.
Wray: She had a WHAT?!
Not exactly the phone call you want to make to a sibling.
And that's where my thoughts end. I'm hopeful that now that I've typed this out my mind will rest a little now.
Maybe it's because Mother's day is right around the corner that has my mind thinking about my last day I had with mine. I don't know. But I know that what happened in the hospital, watching Mom being life flighted, and the dreadful trip to the second hospital are not playing a part in my thoughts right now.
I'm consumed with the last moments I had with Mom in our home.....the last few days and weeks before her stroke.
And thats it. Maybe I'll have more to add to this later; but for right now I'm finished.
I will warn you, this details several events from the last days of my Mom's life here on earth. If you prefer not to read such details please don't continue. Also, I don't know what my point is yet. Usually when I start a post I have an ending point in mind...I know the message I'm trying to get across.
Not this time. Maybe by the time I reach the end of this white screen I'm filling with words my mind will have figured that out. Until then, though, I'm just going to type what is on my heart.
August 8th, 2010
It's Sunday morning. I'm running back and forth between my bedroom and the bathroom getting ready for church. My nephew Noah had spent the night with us, so I have a little shadow following me around.
I hear my dad call me from his bedroom, and I didn't think anything sounded any different about his voice...I don't remember it sounding panicked or alarmed, so when I turned the corner into my parents bedroom what I saw totally caught me off guard.
There was my Mom leaning against my dad, one hand on her chest, and one side of her body looking really weak. I will never forget the look in her eyes as my eyes met hers. She looked scared. And anyone who knew my mom will understand that she didn't scare easily.
"I think your Mom had a stroke", my dad said through tears. "Oh Kristin, what do we do?
The hairbrush I had in my hand dropped to the floor as I said, "Call 911!"
I raced to retrieve the phone as millions of thoughts were clogging my brain.
I was no stranger to calling 911 for Mom. The first time I had that experience it was just Mom and I at home. It was my 18th birthday and we were getting ready for a day of shopping and pampering. Just over 2 months since her surgery, when she started to have pain in her chest she feared a heart attack.
In the end, it was not that serious. She had just tried to do too much too soon after her surgery and caused a teeny tiny chip in a bone.
So as I was running to get the phone on the morning of August 8th, one of the thoughts that was clogging my brain was, Not again. Please God, let her be ok this time too!
Dispatcher: 911, what's your emergency?
We need an ambulance. I think my Mom had a stroke!
Dispatcher: Ok ma'am, can you tell me why you think she has had a stroke?
Her speech is slurred, she can't use one of her arms. She's a heart patient.
Dispatcher: Ok, we have an ambulance on the way. I need to you make sure your Mom is laying flat with no pillows, and as still as possible. Can she tell you her name?
I ran back the hallway where I see dad has laid Mom down on the bed, and I give him the instructions to lay her flat with no pillows. Leaning over the bed I say, Mom, can you tell me your name.
She tried. And when she couldn't tell me her name, the look of panic in her eyes intensified, and that's when I couldn't control it anymore. I burst into tears but still managed to finish the conversation with the dispatcher.
Between then and the time the ambulance showed up it seemed like a year had passed. I had to call my sister and brother-in-law and tell them the news and ask them to go get Noah. I sat with Mom trying to keep her calm. Moving Mom's new car out of the way so the ambulance could drive through the yard to the front door wasn't so much fun.
The ambulance finally arrived, we gave them a list of her medicines and a brief rundown of her health history.
The next step was to get me and dad in the car and out the driveway. My sister quickly showed up to follow us down in her car, and I made the dreadful call to my brother who had left for church while we were all still sleeping earlier that morning.
You need to go to the hospital. We think Mom had a stroke and she just left in the ambulance.
Wray: She had a WHAT?!
Not exactly the phone call you want to make to a sibling.
And that's where my thoughts end. I'm hopeful that now that I've typed this out my mind will rest a little now.
Maybe it's because Mother's day is right around the corner that has my mind thinking about my last day I had with mine. I don't know. But I know that what happened in the hospital, watching Mom being life flighted, and the dreadful trip to the second hospital are not playing a part in my thoughts right now.
I'm consumed with the last moments I had with Mom in our home.....the last few days and weeks before her stroke.
And thats it. Maybe I'll have more to add to this later; but for right now I'm finished.
April 6, 2012
Because He Died, Death Is Not the End!
Of the 52 weekends in a year, this was my Mom's absolute favorite! She so loved attending the Maundy Thursday service...as well as organizing the bible marathon on Good Friday. On Easter morning she would greet everyone at church with, "He is risen!" and smiled when she heard the reply, "He is risen indeed".
On the commercial side of the weekend? She loved being the judge of our families, Who can make the ugliest color easter egg dying contest.....Dad always won with his awful brown egg :] She loved sending us on wild goose chases for our Easter baskets when we where young. She handed up a compass and a set of coordinates the year we were learning to use the compass in school. Yes, it lead us right back to the living room!
Needless to say, until the day I die, this will be the weekend that the memories of Mom are in my mind constantly!
When you have a Mom who in now walking the streets of gold, what Jesus did for mankind on this weekend hits home even harder!
If he had not died a horrible death and then ascended into Glory, we would have no hope! But I know that this Easter my Mom is celebrating right along side the man who loved her enough to give His life for her! Oh, the joy that puts in my heart!
On the commercial side of the weekend? She loved being the judge of our families, Who can make the ugliest color easter egg dying contest.....Dad always won with his awful brown egg :] She loved sending us on wild goose chases for our Easter baskets when we where young. She handed up a compass and a set of coordinates the year we were learning to use the compass in school. Yes, it lead us right back to the living room!
Needless to say, until the day I die, this will be the weekend that the memories of Mom are in my mind constantly!
When you have a Mom who in now walking the streets of gold, what Jesus did for mankind on this weekend hits home even harder!
"If roses grow in Heaven, Lord
Please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
And tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her,
And when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for a while.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
But there is an ache within my heart
That will never go away."
~ Author Unknown
Please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
And tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her,
And when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
And hold her for a while.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
But there is an ache within my heart
That will never go away."
~ Author Unknown
Yes, my heart aches to see my Mom, to give her a hug, to sit late into the night having a girl talk, and I know that feeling will never go away. I don't want it to. But this weekend reminds me that I WILL see her again! Death is not the end!
February 23, 2012
Change
Did you notice the new blog design?
How about the new music?
Change. Something that didn't bother me a whole lot until after Mom passed away.
Change:
How about the new music?
Change. Something that didn't bother me a whole lot until after Mom passed away.
Change:
to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc.,
of (something) different from what it is or from
what it would be if left alone:
The change that comes with the death of a parent is not something you should have to deal with at my age. It's not natural. My future course was changed. My family's life was not left alone.
So because of that I tried to control everything I had the power to keep from changing. For the longest time it gave me the feeling of power. Like I was karate chopping the devil in the face and saying
Ha! Take that Devil! Let's see you try to mess with this part of my life!
Like the devil really cares that I refuse to use any kind of laundry detergent other than the brand Mom used.....even if the other stuff is on sale!
Yes, POWER!
No, road blocks.
Laundry detergent? A road block?
Yep. And all the other silly little things too. I was living in the past. It felt as if I was holding on to a piece of Mom by keeping everything else as normal as possible. Right down to listening to music every Sunday morning while getting ready for church; or the way Mom's purse is still exactly the way she left it the night before she passed away. I even had an extremely difficult time deciding to grow out a particular hair cut because Mom had loved it so much.
And I know a lot of things will still seem 'normal' simply because it's just what comes naturally; because of the way I was raised some things just come from habit.
But I realized I was holding on to things and forcing myself to do things a certain way because this is how Mom would have done it.
No. Mom would have said, "Do it YOUR way Kristin. Live your life. Be your own person."
Sigh. Right down to my blog.
Mom and I sat together one night and designed my blog layout, making sure all the little details were just right. It took us hours! We loved it!
But it's been like that for almost 2 years, and recently I was kind of wanting a change. *gasp*
And for months I refused to change it because thats the way my blog looked the last time Mom saw it.
Oh. My. Gosh.
I had a dream the other night in which Mom was quite upset with me that I was holding on to all this silly stuff. When I woke up the next morning I felt like she had kicked my butt in to gear. Funny how she still has the ability to do that :]
I started slowly making little changes over the next few days. Hence, the new blog design. One of the smaller things yes, but I'm still working on it.
With Mom's butt-kicking dream and my new medicines making me feel a little more like a human being, I fully intend on making changes in the more important and bigger things in life. Like becoming my own independent person, and not relying on my Dad for so much support from the other side of the country.
I'm a big girl now :]
That big stuff will take some time; so for now I'm going to work on some more of the smaller stuff.
So pardon me while I go rearrange my pots and pans.
February 21, 2012
Heaven Needed Mom
A friend shared this on my Facebook wall this evening, and I absolutely love it! It made me cry and miss my Mom, but also made me smile knowing she is waiting with face aglow and arms wide open to embrace me went I go to meet her in Heaven!
This little poem is going to follow me throughout my life now, and I immediately started thinking about where I want to hang it in my apartment after I have it framed.
I think this is so special to me because, especially that last paragraph, is so true to the way it really is! Every night when I close my eyes and fall asleep I dream about Mom.
Every.
Single.
Night.
And when I open my eyes I feel like I start that grieving process all over again. I close my eyes tight and will myself to go back to sleep just so I can see her face again.....to hear her voice again.
Heaven must have needed her super bad, because I know I sure still do.
Thank you, George and Cathy, for sharing this treasure!
This little poem is going to follow me throughout my life now, and I immediately started thinking about where I want to hang it in my apartment after I have it framed.
I think this is so special to me because, especially that last paragraph, is so true to the way it really is! Every night when I close my eyes and fall asleep I dream about Mom.
Every.
Single.
Night.
And when I open my eyes I feel like I start that grieving process all over again. I close my eyes tight and will myself to go back to sleep just so I can see her face again.....to hear her voice again.
Heaven must have needed her super bad, because I know I sure still do.
Thank you, George and Cathy, for sharing this treasure!
December 19, 2011
It Is Well
In church yesterday we sang what has become one of my favorite songs. I grew up in a Christian home and have been singing this song for years, but it took my Mom's death last August for me to really stop and listen to the words.
It is Well with my Soul.
This song ran through my head the entire way home from the hospital the day Mom went home to Jesus. I knew then it was a gift from Mom, because at that very moment it was definitely NOT well with my soul; and if anything, I know she would have wanted us to be at peace with the new path our family was forced upon.
It was the lyrics of this song that gave me comfort that day. To know that not only "when peace like a river attendeth my soul", but also "when sorrow like sea billows roll", my God is there to make it Well with my soul.
I am reminded this Christmas season as I miss my Mom so much, that because of the hope I have in Jesus it really is Well with my soul!
"Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight"
Oh, how I look forward to that day! If I had no hope in Jesus, my soul would not be right with what happened August 2010. However, I know without a doubt that one day my faith really will be sight, the clouds will roll back, and the trump shall resound!
Oh yes, I wish things were different and these trials had never come, but I know that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and shed His own blood for my soul, so I wait for His return.
And while I wait, it really is Well with my soul.
It is Well with my Soul.
This song ran through my head the entire way home from the hospital the day Mom went home to Jesus. I knew then it was a gift from Mom, because at that very moment it was definitely NOT well with my soul; and if anything, I know she would have wanted us to be at peace with the new path our family was forced upon.
It was the lyrics of this song that gave me comfort that day. To know that not only "when peace like a river attendeth my soul", but also "when sorrow like sea billows roll", my God is there to make it Well with my soul.
I am reminded this Christmas season as I miss my Mom so much, that because of the hope I have in Jesus it really is Well with my soul!
"Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight"
Oh, how I look forward to that day! If I had no hope in Jesus, my soul would not be right with what happened August 2010. However, I know without a doubt that one day my faith really will be sight, the clouds will roll back, and the trump shall resound!
Oh yes, I wish things were different and these trials had never come, but I know that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and shed His own blood for my soul, so I wait for His return.
And while I wait, it really is Well with my soul.
September 4, 2011
Torn In Two --- It Hurts So Bad
I was laying in bed last night staring at the ceiling. There was nothing I could do to make my mind stop spinning.....nothing I could do could relieve the ache in my head, the soreness in my stomach, the pain in my back. Every part of me hurt. I kept thinking, "If I can just make my thoughts stop swirling long enough so I can fall asleep, then I can finally rest." My thoughts are what where making every inch of my body hurt.
I was thinking about Mom; how much I miss her. And in knowing where she is, and how she is just one step ahead of the rest of us this wonderful plan God has set up called eternity, I knew I couldn't wish her back. She is where she needs to be. But it hurts to be here without her. It's like your body is being ripped in two.
Then I found myself wishing to go back to the week when Mom passed away. I know it sounds crazy...who would want to relive something so horrific?
But when thinking about that week I can remember the last conversation I had with her before her stroke.
I can remember the last time I held her hand and kissed her cheek in the hospital.
I can remember feeling so much love from family and friends, and the amazing support from my Pastor's family that week.
I can remember knowing just how special my Mom was from the hours people stood in line at the funeral home.
I can remember being amazed as I stood on the stage and looked out over the amount of people in our church sanctuary for her funeral. My Mom was special to so many people.
It was during that week that I was reminded just how amazing my Mom was. Now, over a year later, life has moved on.
I ache to see her again, I ache to feel near to her again. At the same time, I ache to be able to keep moving forward, and live the life I know Mom wanted for me.....even if that no longer includes her.
My sister says all this way better than I can. Read her post at http://www.curtisfour.blogspot.com/
On August 9th of this year there was almost a feeling of relief. We had made it through one year without Mom.....we know knew we could do anything. She would want us to keep on going without her, and most importantly she would want us to live our lives for Jesus Christ.
And that's exactly what I intend on doing...even through the pain, because I know this man called Jesus who is part of my life, is spending every day with my Mom in heaven. He will keep us connected.....now through eternity!
I was thinking about Mom; how much I miss her. And in knowing where she is, and how she is just one step ahead of the rest of us this wonderful plan God has set up called eternity, I knew I couldn't wish her back. She is where she needs to be. But it hurts to be here without her. It's like your body is being ripped in two.
Then I found myself wishing to go back to the week when Mom passed away. I know it sounds crazy...who would want to relive something so horrific?
But when thinking about that week I can remember the last conversation I had with her before her stroke.
I can remember the last time I held her hand and kissed her cheek in the hospital.
I can remember feeling so much love from family and friends, and the amazing support from my Pastor's family that week.
I can remember knowing just how special my Mom was from the hours people stood in line at the funeral home.
I can remember being amazed as I stood on the stage and looked out over the amount of people in our church sanctuary for her funeral. My Mom was special to so many people.
It was during that week that I was reminded just how amazing my Mom was. Now, over a year later, life has moved on.
I ache to see her again, I ache to feel near to her again. At the same time, I ache to be able to keep moving forward, and live the life I know Mom wanted for me.....even if that no longer includes her.
My sister says all this way better than I can. Read her post at http://www.curtisfour.blogspot.com/
On August 9th of this year there was almost a feeling of relief. We had made it through one year without Mom.....we know knew we could do anything. She would want us to keep on going without her, and most importantly she would want us to live our lives for Jesus Christ.
And that's exactly what I intend on doing...even through the pain, because I know this man called Jesus who is part of my life, is spending every day with my Mom in heaven. He will keep us connected.....now through eternity!
August 9, 2011
No Words
I have no words for you today. There is nothing I can say that would even begin to help you understand what our family is feeling today. One year ago today we lost the most special person in our family, and I'm feeling a little numb.
Mom,
I miss you more than words can say! I cannot begin to imagine what my life will be like without you. You were my everything, and my heart hurts today in the absence of your presence. I love, love, love you! Can't wait to give you a huge hug when we meet again in heaven!
Karen J. Skidmore
09/08/1962 - 08/09/2010
Mom,
I miss you more than words can say! I cannot begin to imagine what my life will be like without you. You were my everything, and my heart hurts today in the absence of your presence. I love, love, love you! Can't wait to give you a huge hug when we meet again in heaven!
July 29, 2011
Its Just a Matter of Time.
In the almost 12 months since my adored Mother passed into Glory, many many people who see us on a weekly basis have asked our family how we get through each day.
I think the words of this song by Mark Schultz sum it up better than I could ever put into words; I can't stop listening to this song!
Our family knows without a doubt where Mom is right now, and we are excited for the day when we will see her again.....because we know on that same day we will be bowing before the throne of our Savior! We know in that very moment when we see Mom again we will also be meeting Jesus Christ!
Its just a matter of time.
I think the words of this song by Mark Schultz sum it up better than I could ever put into words; I can't stop listening to this song!
Our family knows without a doubt where Mom is right now, and we are excited for the day when we will see her again.....because we know on that same day we will be bowing before the throne of our Savior! We know in that very moment when we see Mom again we will also be meeting Jesus Christ!
Its just a matter of time.
(Pause the music at the bottom of the page before playing video)
Love Has Come
VERSE 1:
I know this life is filled with sorrow
And there are days when the pain just lasts and lasts
But I know there will come a day
When our tears are washed away
With a break in the clouds
His glory coming down
And in that moment
When our tears are washed away
With a break in the clouds
His glory coming down
And in that moment
CHORUS:
Every knee shall bow
Every tongue confess
That God is love
And love has come for us all
Every heart set free
Every one will see
That God is love
And love has come for us all
VERSE 2:
For anybody who has ever lost a loved one
And you feel like you had to let go too soon
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But don't you know it's just a matter of time
till the tears are gonna end You'll see them once again
And in that moment
BRIDGE 1:
Oh, and on that day
We will stand amazed
At our Savior, God and King
Just to see the face
Of amazing grace
As our hearts rise up and sing
Oh, and on that day
We will stand amazed
At our Savior, God and King
Just to see the face
Of amazing grace
As our hearts rise up and sing
BRIDGE 2:
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Thank You for the cross
Singing glory, glory, hallelujah
Christ has paid the cost
July 26, 2011
Only 1 More
Everyone in my family has now celebrated 1 birthday.
We have made it through 1 Thanksgiving.....1 Christmas.....1 New Year celebration.
We ventured on 1 family vacation.
Organized 1 Bible Marathon.
Made it through 1 Easter season.....Mom's favorite time of year.
I conquered 1 trip to Covenant Life Church.
Looked through pictures of my parent's wedding on what would have been their 30th Anniversary, 1 time.
Attended the reunion for my Mom's side of the family 1 time.
Yes, our family has now made it through all of our 'firsts' without Mom.....all but one. Two weeks from today, on August 9th, we will remember our Mom's final day in this life. I don't know where the past year has gone. You could tell me that her funeral was just yesterday, and I would believe you. It is still so fresh in our minds.
Only 1 more first to make it through without my Mom. People have told me it gets easier after that; I don't believe them.
Where has the time gone?
We have made it through 1 Thanksgiving.....1 Christmas.....1 New Year celebration.
We ventured on 1 family vacation.
Organized 1 Bible Marathon.
Made it through 1 Easter season.....Mom's favorite time of year.
I conquered 1 trip to Covenant Life Church.
Looked through pictures of my parent's wedding on what would have been their 30th Anniversary, 1 time.
Attended the reunion for my Mom's side of the family 1 time.
Yes, our family has now made it through all of our 'firsts' without Mom.....all but one. Two weeks from today, on August 9th, we will remember our Mom's final day in this life. I don't know where the past year has gone. You could tell me that her funeral was just yesterday, and I would believe you. It is still so fresh in our minds.
Only 1 more first to make it through without my Mom. People have told me it gets easier after that; I don't believe them.
Where has the time gone?
July 1, 2011
Rushing Back
Please note: I wrote this at 1am, and by the time I was finished I was too tired to go back through and check for any spelling and grammatical errors. So please ignore any you may find :)
In the almost 11 months since my Mom passed away, there have been a lot of things that cause the reality of my life without Mom to come rushing back.
Little things like reaching the M's while scrolling through the contacts on my phone, and realizing that if I pressed SEND on 'Mom' I would probably get some stranger that took her number when we cancelled her phone line......not my Mother's voice, which I so long to hear right now. Yet, I can't bring myself to delete that contact off my phone and I probably never will.
Or when I stranger walked up to me and said, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but you look so familiar. Do I know you?" When I tell her my name, and finally mentioned my Grandfather's names (a lot of people in our area know at least one of them) and that still doesn't ring a bell for her she said, "Maybe I know your Mother. Does she work anywhere?" I couldn't say it. I couldn't say that my Mom had passed away 6 months ago. So you know what I did? I turned around and walked away. I never just walk away from someone when I'm talking to them, but that day that's all I could do. I ran from reality.....it was rushing back to fast.
Within the past week 2 big things have brought reality rushing back in.
The first being a piece of mail. All my mail is being forwarded to my Grandparents house until I move into my apartment, so when I walked into my room and found a package sitting on my bed I was not surprised. However, when I looked closer and saw that it was addressed to my Mom, my brain totally went wack and I stood there for a good 30 seconds trying to remember what Mom had ordered, and why she had it sent to Pap and Grandma's address. Once I noticed the return address, reality rushed back in. It was from the Organ Donation company. They normally address their mail to me, but somehow managed to get my Mom's name on the label. (which I'm sure was a complete accident). But for 30 seconds it took my reality and threw it out the back window.
The second thing happened just 2 days ago. I was walking out of a local department store when I saw a Gold Chevy Impala sitting in the parking lot. I need to explain something here. My Mom drove a Gold Chevy Impala (or "old man tan" as she liked to call it). Just a few days before she passed away she traded in this car for a new one. It was having a few problems, and the dealership was planning on fixing it up and reselling it.
Well, for the past 10 months I have been searching for this car. Every time I pass one I look for that little L shaped scratch it had beside the gas tank cover. Yes, I'm a girl.....I knew my Mom's car by that little scratch :) Anyway, I don't know how many Gold Impalas I have checked for that L shaped scratch. So, imagine my surprise when I walked out of that department store and saw, parked right beside my SUV, a Gold Impala with an L shaped scratch by the gas tank cover. It was Mom's car, no doubt about it. The people in the parking lot probably thought I was nuts because I burst into tears. After 10 months of searching, I finally found it! Well...it found me really.....parked right beside me!
There was a girl, probably about 16, sitting in the car. I walked over and got in my car, using all my might not to wrap my arms that beautiful Impala and lay my head on the hood. It was like finding a long lost friend. I locked myself in my SUV to keep myself from using bad judgement and actually hugging the thing. I acted like I had a reason to be just sitting there in my car, and glanced over as often as I could to catch another look. That girl probably thought I was crazy!
Eventually a lady came out of the store and got in the driver's seat of my Mom's car.....I mean her car..... and the two of them drove off. As I watched them drive away all the memories of the hours upon hours Mom and I spent in that car came rushing back. I wanted to chase them across the parking lot and demand they give me the car.....yes, another crazy idea, but it seemed good at the time :)
And then I realized that out of all the people I could have found with my Mom's car, I found a Mother and Daughter! How perfect is that?
I don't know why it was so important for me to find her car. But now that I really found it, I somehow feel better knowing another daughter is riding around in her Mom's car. Maybe they're singing along to the radio, or laughing at each other's jokes.....maybe even telling secrets! :)
While my reality of life without Mom keeps rushing back, that young girl's reality includes hours upon hours spent with her Mom.....in my Mom's car. Yes, special things happen in that car, and I have a peace knowing that "Old Man Tan" Impala is once again allowing a Mom and Daughter hours of fun!
It's not my reality anymore.....but I hope that girl enjoys every second with her Mom.
In the almost 11 months since my Mom passed away, there have been a lot of things that cause the reality of my life without Mom to come rushing back.
Little things like reaching the M's while scrolling through the contacts on my phone, and realizing that if I pressed SEND on 'Mom' I would probably get some stranger that took her number when we cancelled her phone line......not my Mother's voice, which I so long to hear right now. Yet, I can't bring myself to delete that contact off my phone and I probably never will.
Or when I stranger walked up to me and said, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but you look so familiar. Do I know you?" When I tell her my name, and finally mentioned my Grandfather's names (a lot of people in our area know at least one of them) and that still doesn't ring a bell for her she said, "Maybe I know your Mother. Does she work anywhere?" I couldn't say it. I couldn't say that my Mom had passed away 6 months ago. So you know what I did? I turned around and walked away. I never just walk away from someone when I'm talking to them, but that day that's all I could do. I ran from reality.....it was rushing back to fast.
Within the past week 2 big things have brought reality rushing back in.
The first being a piece of mail. All my mail is being forwarded to my Grandparents house until I move into my apartment, so when I walked into my room and found a package sitting on my bed I was not surprised. However, when I looked closer and saw that it was addressed to my Mom, my brain totally went wack and I stood there for a good 30 seconds trying to remember what Mom had ordered, and why she had it sent to Pap and Grandma's address. Once I noticed the return address, reality rushed back in. It was from the Organ Donation company. They normally address their mail to me, but somehow managed to get my Mom's name on the label. (which I'm sure was a complete accident). But for 30 seconds it took my reality and threw it out the back window.
The second thing happened just 2 days ago. I was walking out of a local department store when I saw a Gold Chevy Impala sitting in the parking lot. I need to explain something here. My Mom drove a Gold Chevy Impala (or "old man tan" as she liked to call it). Just a few days before she passed away she traded in this car for a new one. It was having a few problems, and the dealership was planning on fixing it up and reselling it.
Well, for the past 10 months I have been searching for this car. Every time I pass one I look for that little L shaped scratch it had beside the gas tank cover. Yes, I'm a girl.....I knew my Mom's car by that little scratch :) Anyway, I don't know how many Gold Impalas I have checked for that L shaped scratch. So, imagine my surprise when I walked out of that department store and saw, parked right beside my SUV, a Gold Impala with an L shaped scratch by the gas tank cover. It was Mom's car, no doubt about it. The people in the parking lot probably thought I was nuts because I burst into tears. After 10 months of searching, I finally found it! Well...it found me really.....parked right beside me!
There was a girl, probably about 16, sitting in the car. I walked over and got in my car, using all my might not to wrap my arms that beautiful Impala and lay my head on the hood. It was like finding a long lost friend. I locked myself in my SUV to keep myself from using bad judgement and actually hugging the thing. I acted like I had a reason to be just sitting there in my car, and glanced over as often as I could to catch another look. That girl probably thought I was crazy!
Eventually a lady came out of the store and got in the driver's seat of my Mom's car.....I mean her car..... and the two of them drove off. As I watched them drive away all the memories of the hours upon hours Mom and I spent in that car came rushing back. I wanted to chase them across the parking lot and demand they give me the car.....yes, another crazy idea, but it seemed good at the time :)
And then I realized that out of all the people I could have found with my Mom's car, I found a Mother and Daughter! How perfect is that?
I don't know why it was so important for me to find her car. But now that I really found it, I somehow feel better knowing another daughter is riding around in her Mom's car. Maybe they're singing along to the radio, or laughing at each other's jokes.....maybe even telling secrets! :)
While my reality of life without Mom keeps rushing back, that young girl's reality includes hours upon hours spent with her Mom.....in my Mom's car. Yes, special things happen in that car, and I have a peace knowing that "Old Man Tan" Impala is once again allowing a Mom and Daughter hours of fun!
It's not my reality anymore.....but I hope that girl enjoys every second with her Mom.
May 17, 2011
Junebugophobia
Last night I found myself standing in my bathroom getting ready for bed. I was brushing my teeth, although I wasn't really aware of my arm moving back and forth to make the brush stroke over my teeth. Instead, I was staring into the mirror above the sink, past the reflecting image of myself, and into the image of my dream from the night before.
In the past few months there have not been many nights that I haven't dreamt about Mom.
Half of the time they are good dreams; dreams of trips we took, conversation we had, times we spent just having fun.....all good memories. These kinds of dreams are so real that I spend the next day hanging on to every detail of them, hoping to discover yet another hidden memory in the dream's contents.
And then, there are the other 50% of my dreams about Mom. They are not like the good dreams I described above. No, these dreams are quite different. They are never the same, and never reflect anything that actually happened in Mom's lifetime. However, they all end the same way. They all end with my Moms death.
Sometimes its a car accident.
Sometimes its a fire.
Sometimes its a heart attack.
I once even dreamed she was struck by lightening.
Yes, I was standing there, trapped in the memory of the horrible dream I had had the night before, where my Mom had died on a camping trip. When my mind gets stuck thinking about these dreams I automatically end up thinking about the real reason my Mom died which leads to me dreaming it all over again the next night.
My thoughts were headed there just as I heard
*Click*
on the bathroom window.
(No, it was not prince charming throwing pebbles at my window :) )
I was jolted from my daze, and my toothbrush stopped mid-brush so I could listen.
*Click*
There it was again. Such a familiar sounding *click*.
*Click*
*Click*
I quickly spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, rinsed my brush and mouth, and stood on the toilet so I could see out the window.
Just as my eyes focused on the darkness outside my window, I saw a little black spot moving towards my face, and I jumped back on reflex as it *Clicked* on the window right in front of my face.
A huge smile crossed my face as I realized why that *Click* sounded so familiar.
It was a June Bug!
The house my family had lived in for the past 11 years seemed to attract June bugs. They were always hitting our windows, making the same noise that had caught my attention just a few minutes before.
My mind was immediately pulled away from the horrible dream, and sent flying with the June bugs to a funny memory.
My Mom hated June bugs! Hated them. She hated the noise they made when they flew into things. She hated the crunching sound they make when you step on them. She honestly thought they were God's yuckiest creation.
The depressing images of the dream were replaced with images of Mom running down the sidewalk trying to escape the path of a June bug.....images of her face curling up in disgust when she accidently stepped on one.
*CRUNCH*
I then remembered my favorite June bug story with Mom. As soon as I thought about it I laughed out loud, and quickly covered my mouth in fear of waking up Pap and Grandma.
In the memory, we had friends over at our house, and had just come in from outside. Just as Mom walked in the door, my sister and I noticed that she had a June bug on her back. We looked at each other, and silently agreed it was best not to tell her about the creepy crawler on her back. I was about to go over and quickly flick the thing off her back (hopefully unnoticed by Mom) when a friend also saw the bug.
"Oh Karen," she said, "you have a..."
Jaime and I started frantically waving our arms trying to ger her attention. She got the hint, and stopped before uttering the words 'June Bug'.
She finished, "Oh never mind. Just hold very still."
She removed the bug and threw it out the door before Mom had a chance to see it.
Later that night when all our company was gone, Mom asked what had been on her back earlier. Jaime and I glance at each other again, and decided it was ok to tell her now since she was "out of danger" :)
Wrong.
As soon as the words left our lips, Mom gave a little shudder, shook her body as if she was trying to remove the bug that was no longer there, and yes -- she screamed.
*Click*
Another June bug hit the window in front of my face, and again jolted my out of a daze. I smiled at the memory, turned off the lights, and crawled into bed. I lay there listening to the *clicking* of my Mom's biggest fear on the bathroom window.
I rolled over, knowing that I wouldn't have to fall asleep worrying about what kind of dream I was going to have.
I already knew.
I was going to dream about June bugs.
In the past few months there have not been many nights that I haven't dreamt about Mom.
Half of the time they are good dreams; dreams of trips we took, conversation we had, times we spent just having fun.....all good memories. These kinds of dreams are so real that I spend the next day hanging on to every detail of them, hoping to discover yet another hidden memory in the dream's contents.
And then, there are the other 50% of my dreams about Mom. They are not like the good dreams I described above. No, these dreams are quite different. They are never the same, and never reflect anything that actually happened in Mom's lifetime. However, they all end the same way. They all end with my Moms death.
Sometimes its a car accident.
Sometimes its a fire.
Sometimes its a heart attack.
I once even dreamed she was struck by lightening.
Yes, I was standing there, trapped in the memory of the horrible dream I had had the night before, where my Mom had died on a camping trip. When my mind gets stuck thinking about these dreams I automatically end up thinking about the real reason my Mom died which leads to me dreaming it all over again the next night.
My thoughts were headed there just as I heard
*Click*
on the bathroom window.
(No, it was not prince charming throwing pebbles at my window :) )
I was jolted from my daze, and my toothbrush stopped mid-brush so I could listen.
*Click*
There it was again. Such a familiar sounding *click*.
*Click*
*Click*
I quickly spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, rinsed my brush and mouth, and stood on the toilet so I could see out the window.
Just as my eyes focused on the darkness outside my window, I saw a little black spot moving towards my face, and I jumped back on reflex as it *Clicked* on the window right in front of my face.
A huge smile crossed my face as I realized why that *Click* sounded so familiar.
The house my family had lived in for the past 11 years seemed to attract June bugs. They were always hitting our windows, making the same noise that had caught my attention just a few minutes before.
My mind was immediately pulled away from the horrible dream, and sent flying with the June bugs to a funny memory.
My Mom hated June bugs! Hated them. She hated the noise they made when they flew into things. She hated the crunching sound they make when you step on them. She honestly thought they were God's yuckiest creation.
The depressing images of the dream were replaced with images of Mom running down the sidewalk trying to escape the path of a June bug.....images of her face curling up in disgust when she accidently stepped on one.
*CRUNCH*
I then remembered my favorite June bug story with Mom. As soon as I thought about it I laughed out loud, and quickly covered my mouth in fear of waking up Pap and Grandma.
In the memory, we had friends over at our house, and had just come in from outside. Just as Mom walked in the door, my sister and I noticed that she had a June bug on her back. We looked at each other, and silently agreed it was best not to tell her about the creepy crawler on her back. I was about to go over and quickly flick the thing off her back (hopefully unnoticed by Mom) when a friend also saw the bug.
"Oh Karen," she said, "you have a..."
Jaime and I started frantically waving our arms trying to ger her attention. She got the hint, and stopped before uttering the words 'June Bug'.
She finished, "Oh never mind. Just hold very still."
She removed the bug and threw it out the door before Mom had a chance to see it.
Later that night when all our company was gone, Mom asked what had been on her back earlier. Jaime and I glance at each other again, and decided it was ok to tell her now since she was "out of danger" :)
Wrong.
As soon as the words left our lips, Mom gave a little shudder, shook her body as if she was trying to remove the bug that was no longer there, and yes -- she screamed.
*Click*
Another June bug hit the window in front of my face, and again jolted my out of a daze. I smiled at the memory, turned off the lights, and crawled into bed. I lay there listening to the *clicking* of my Mom's biggest fear on the bathroom window.
I rolled over, knowing that I wouldn't have to fall asleep worrying about what kind of dream I was going to have.
I already knew.
I was going to dream about June bugs.
April 3, 2011
Super Mom
In church this morning during the worship service, I suddenly had that feeling of being a fly on the wall.....like you're watching what is going on from a distance.
Suddenly, the sanctuary was empty, save for one person. There, walking through the aisle, was my Mama. She was praying. And the closer I looked, I saw myself, laying on the pew fast asleep.
Mom would spend hours at the church each week praying. Often times, when I was in the midst of my 'illness' she would take me with her, because she did not like leaving me home alone.
I remember spending hours with her there. Because of my medicines causing insomnia, by the time morning came around and Mom would be ready to go to the church to pray, I would be so tired! So I would ride along, and end up falling asleep on the pew......best sleep I ever got during my 'illness' was in that sanctuary.
So I watched myself lay there, fast asleep. My focus then moved back to Mom. She was praying, crying, pouring her heart out to God. Walking back and forth, her focus never left her task at hand, which was connecting with God.
Then, I watched as she walked toward the pew I was sleeping on, and she stopped right beside me. She laid her hand gently on my arm, and cried. She prayed. She spoke to the Father in Heaven about Me.
And just like that, it was over. I was once again standing in my pew on Sunday morning, in the middle of worship service. All the people were back, and the music was still going.
For the past 8 months, its been hard to imagine my life without Mom.
Its hard to make decisions without her advice.
Its hard to meet new people knowing they will never know my Mom...how I became the person I am.
Its hard to imagine moving into my apartment without her help.
Its hard to imagane Life!
But somehow knowing that before her death, she was praying for me...for my future...brings me peace. Even though she isn't here every day, I know she had already been thinking and praying for me.
I can move through each day knowing she had talked to God about everyone of them. Even after her death, my Mom's prayers are still alive. Moving with me and my family through each new breath we take.
My Mom was Super Mom.
Suddenly, the sanctuary was empty, save for one person. There, walking through the aisle, was my Mama. She was praying. And the closer I looked, I saw myself, laying on the pew fast asleep.
Mom would spend hours at the church each week praying. Often times, when I was in the midst of my 'illness' she would take me with her, because she did not like leaving me home alone.
I remember spending hours with her there. Because of my medicines causing insomnia, by the time morning came around and Mom would be ready to go to the church to pray, I would be so tired! So I would ride along, and end up falling asleep on the pew......best sleep I ever got during my 'illness' was in that sanctuary.
So I watched myself lay there, fast asleep. My focus then moved back to Mom. She was praying, crying, pouring her heart out to God. Walking back and forth, her focus never left her task at hand, which was connecting with God.
Then, I watched as she walked toward the pew I was sleeping on, and she stopped right beside me. She laid her hand gently on my arm, and cried. She prayed. She spoke to the Father in Heaven about Me.
And just like that, it was over. I was once again standing in my pew on Sunday morning, in the middle of worship service. All the people were back, and the music was still going.
For the past 8 months, its been hard to imagine my life without Mom.
Its hard to make decisions without her advice.
Its hard to meet new people knowing they will never know my Mom...how I became the person I am.
Its hard to imagine moving into my apartment without her help.
Its hard to imagane Life!
But somehow knowing that before her death, she was praying for me...for my future...brings me peace. Even though she isn't here every day, I know she had already been thinking and praying for me.
I can move through each day knowing she had talked to God about everyone of them. Even after her death, my Mom's prayers are still alive. Moving with me and my family through each new breath we take.
My Mom was Super Mom.
March 20, 2011
One of Those Days
Its been one of those days.
Its been one of those days when everything I look at reminds me of Mom.
Its been one of those days when everything people say to me reminds me of Mom.
Its been one of those days when I hear my phone ring and wonder if its Mom.
Its been one of those days when I pass a gold Chevy Impala and think, "Hey, that was Mom!"
Its been one of those days..... and it's barely even noon.
I could tell as soon as I woke up this morning that today was going to be one those Sunday afternoons when I would feel like going on an adventure. Often times after church on Sunday Mom and I would go on an excursion. If the rest of the family was busy with other things, and it was just the two of us, we'd always find something interesting to do.
Whether it was a simple trip to a new store, lunch and a movie, sitting at the lake and enjoying the view, or even riding the metro through D.C., she always had a new idea up her sleeve.
And this morning, for some reason, I knew it was going to be one of those days. I knew I was going to need someone to push me through the day.
I tried it on my own; I went on a mini adventure this morning after church. However, what I thought would be therapeutic for me ended up being a disaster. As I was driving to my destination, it all just became even more REAL again.
She wasn't with me.
She wasn't in that seat next to me.
This was no fun by myself.
So I turned around. I couldn't go on by myself. I was happy I made it as far as I did though; maybe one day soon I'll make it through the whole adventure.
Heading back towards town I knew where I wanted to be instead.
Its been one of those days when everything I look at reminds me of Mom.
Its been one of those days when everything people say to me reminds me of Mom.
Its been one of those days when I hear my phone ring and wonder if its Mom.
Its been one of those days when I pass a gold Chevy Impala and think, "Hey, that was Mom!"
Its been one of those days..... and it's barely even noon.
I could tell as soon as I woke up this morning that today was going to be one those Sunday afternoons when I would feel like going on an adventure. Often times after church on Sunday Mom and I would go on an excursion. If the rest of the family was busy with other things, and it was just the two of us, we'd always find something interesting to do.
Whether it was a simple trip to a new store, lunch and a movie, sitting at the lake and enjoying the view, or even riding the metro through D.C., she always had a new idea up her sleeve.
And this morning, for some reason, I knew it was going to be one of those days. I knew I was going to need someone to push me through the day.
I tried it on my own; I went on a mini adventure this morning after church. However, what I thought would be therapeutic for me ended up being a disaster. As I was driving to my destination, it all just became even more REAL again.
She wasn't with me.
She wasn't in that seat next to me.
This was no fun by myself.
So I turned around. I couldn't go on by myself. I was happy I made it as far as I did though; maybe one day soon I'll make it through the whole adventure.
Heading back towards town I knew where I wanted to be instead.
Not exactly the view of the lake Mom and I were used to. However, this is the place my Mama rests. Now I obviously know shes not really there; for I have no doubt in my mind that she is sitting with Jesus in Heaven right now. But today, for some reason, it gave me comfort to be there.
Isn't it amazing though, that as Christians we don't have to mourn as those who have no hope?
Yes, today I'm missing my Mom, and feeling sorry for myself that shes not here with me. But I can rejoice knowing the hope we have in Jesus Christ.
So as I sat there in the cemetery, reading those dates on the tombstone, I laughed when I realized that that second date means nothing. All that date reflects is Mom's final day on earth, but not the end of her life with Jesus.
So on days like today I cry. I reflect. I remember
I also rejoice, because we have a man named Jesus who gives us eternal life.
March 10, 2011
Having a Mom Moment
I arrive at work approximately 15 minutes early each day so I have time to do my personal Internet stuff before logging on to the server for the day. I then stay 5 minutes late at the end of the day to check it all again, for I know once I leave work there will be no more Internet for me until the next morning.
That is why, very sadly, it has been an entire month since my last post! This is by far the yuckiest part of the lack of Internet service in my temporary home.
I love to use this blog as an outlet. When I'm just having one of those days, or I suddenly feel inspired, my first instinct is to write about it. So the fact that I don't have the ability to do that whenever I want is a little sad.
So when my boss sent us all home early today due to the office road flooding and beginning to trap us all there.....who wants to get stuck at the office all night......I left and headed for my sister's house thinking, "I have time to blog!".
And here I sit. Our ladies bible study is starting and 30 minutes and the house is quiet as all the kids are playing quietly and reading books. I have a month worth of posts all jammed in my head, and all I can think about is Mom.
My nephew sang her favorite song at dinner tonight.....
Celebrating a birthday without your mom isn't so fun.....
And I plain just need a mom hug.....
My employers wife and adult kids were all in the office today, and as I sat there listening to them interact, laugh at each other, crack jokes, say 'I love you Mom', all I could think was that I can't do that anymore.
Talking about your Mom in past-tense all the time is no fun. I so cannot wait for the day I get to see her again!
So, I take this extra Internet time I have not to post about everything I have stuck in my head, but to write about my best friend....my Mom.
I had a dream about her last night. It was so real, so vivid. It was one of those dreams that feels so real that when you wake up you have to remind yourself it was just a dream. But she was there......and I thank God for putting her voice...her beautiful face...her personality...for putting Mom in my dreams.
Not having her here everyday is just a reminder of what is to come and I believe with my whole heart that I will see her again!
That is why, very sadly, it has been an entire month since my last post! This is by far the yuckiest part of the lack of Internet service in my temporary home.
I love to use this blog as an outlet. When I'm just having one of those days, or I suddenly feel inspired, my first instinct is to write about it. So the fact that I don't have the ability to do that whenever I want is a little sad.
So when my boss sent us all home early today due to the office road flooding and beginning to trap us all there.....who wants to get stuck at the office all night......I left and headed for my sister's house thinking, "I have time to blog!".
And here I sit. Our ladies bible study is starting and 30 minutes and the house is quiet as all the kids are playing quietly and reading books. I have a month worth of posts all jammed in my head, and all I can think about is Mom.
My nephew sang her favorite song at dinner tonight.....
Celebrating a birthday without your mom isn't so fun.....
And I plain just need a mom hug.....
My employers wife and adult kids were all in the office today, and as I sat there listening to them interact, laugh at each other, crack jokes, say 'I love you Mom', all I could think was that I can't do that anymore.
Talking about your Mom in past-tense all the time is no fun. I so cannot wait for the day I get to see her again!
So, I take this extra Internet time I have not to post about everything I have stuck in my head, but to write about my best friend....my Mom.
I had a dream about her last night. It was so real, so vivid. It was one of those dreams that feels so real that when you wake up you have to remind yourself it was just a dream. But she was there......and I thank God for putting her voice...her beautiful face...her personality...for putting Mom in my dreams.
Not having her here everyday is just a reminder of what is to come and I believe with my whole heart that I will see her again!
January 10, 2011
A Snarky Katzenjammer
That title caught your attention, huh? So what does it mean? Honestly, it doesn't really make any sense at all, but I know that a title alone can be enough to make readers continue on down the page to read your post :)
Even though those words together don't make sense, I'd like to tell you why they are the subject matter of my post this evening.
I had a really rough week last week; missing Mom so much right now! Well, I tried to surround myself with fun memories of her, which always seems to help ease the yuckiness inside.
So, as I was looking over the many books belonging to Mom (which was the obvious place to go when looking for fond memories.....she LOVED her books) a wonderful memory started to fill my mind!
Mom often had a 'word of the day'. Although, when she found a word she liked well enough, it usually became the 'word of the week....or two' :) She often came across these words in the mass amount of books she read. Her idea was that if you did this often enough, you would eventually see a huge increase in your vocabulary, so she would use these words as often as she could during that day...or week....or two :)
Her most recent one was in fact, Snarky. (hence the first part of the title) The word Snarky basically means 'Irritable'. It quickly became a 'word of the summer', as my whole family thought it was quite the fun word! It became a game to see who could use this word most often, and I believe she was in the lead since I was often more snarky than she was :)
Anyway, once that memory started to take root in my brain again, I decided that I, Kristin S. was going to have a 'word of the day'...or...you get the picture.
I think it is impossible for anyone to read as many books in the amount of time my Mom did, and I for one don't read nearly as much as her. So I decided to go to my ever trusty dictionary.com and use their Word of the Day.
I was quite happy when the word Katzenjammer appeared on my screen. Mom was always looking for the unusual words; ones that were fun to use and would make others laugh when you used them. Katzenjammer seemed like the perfect word.
Now, I thought, what does this funky word mean?
*Click*
Even though those words together don't make sense, I'd like to tell you why they are the subject matter of my post this evening.
I had a really rough week last week; missing Mom so much right now! Well, I tried to surround myself with fun memories of her, which always seems to help ease the yuckiness inside.
So, as I was looking over the many books belonging to Mom (which was the obvious place to go when looking for fond memories.....she LOVED her books) a wonderful memory started to fill my mind!
Mom often had a 'word of the day'. Although, when she found a word she liked well enough, it usually became the 'word of the week....or two' :) She often came across these words in the mass amount of books she read. Her idea was that if you did this often enough, you would eventually see a huge increase in your vocabulary, so she would use these words as often as she could during that day...or week....or two :)
Her most recent one was in fact, Snarky. (hence the first part of the title) The word Snarky basically means 'Irritable'. It quickly became a 'word of the summer', as my whole family thought it was quite the fun word! It became a game to see who could use this word most often, and I believe she was in the lead since I was often more snarky than she was :)
Anyway, once that memory started to take root in my brain again, I decided that I, Kristin S. was going to have a 'word of the day'...or...you get the picture.
I think it is impossible for anyone to read as many books in the amount of time my Mom did, and I for one don't read nearly as much as her. So I decided to go to my ever trusty dictionary.com and use their Word of the Day.
I was quite happy when the word Katzenjammer appeared on my screen. Mom was always looking for the unusual words; ones that were fun to use and would make others laugh when you used them. Katzenjammer seemed like the perfect word.
Now, I thought, what does this funky word mean?
*Click*
Katzenjammer
The discomfort and illness experienced as the
aftereffects of excessive drinking; hangover.
I doubt I'll be using that word in any conversations! *Sigh I'm off to find a new word :)
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