An Apology

It is 4:30am and I have yet to sleep a wink since the sun set last night. I have about 5 or 6 different things laying heavy on my heart, and I believe one will be lifted if I make an apology. 

So, here it goes. 

In the past few weeks some faults on my part, as well as some misunderstandings, were brought to my attention from several different sources. I won't go into much detail here. 

If you have ever felt uncomfortable around me, or like I was judging you, I'm sorry. I was definitely not trying to make you feel this way and had no idea my attitude was coming off as judgmental. 

If it ever seemed like I was being fake, or like I was only being nice because I "had to", I'm sorry. Again, this was unintentional.  I have always thought of myself as a kind person and easy to get along with. So I apologize for my attitude suggesting otherwise.

Really, if I have ever done anything to hurt you it was unintentional and I was oblivious that anything was wrong. (or I would have apologized sooner)

I love all my family and friends, and it has been weighing heavily on my heart since I found out I had hurt or offended any of you. I would prefer to speak with all of you face to face, but it may be a while before I see you again. So please accept this as an apology. I was oblivious to the fact that any of this was going on. So thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will try my best to figure out a solution so I can avoid this in the future. 

Love you all! Have a great weekend!

I am a Fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I am not proud of what I am about to tell you. In fact, this is the third time I have written this post. The first two attempts were quickly deleted before I posted them, because I was just too embarrassed to let the world read about my failures.

But I finally decided that if I tell you about it, maybe it will become easier to regain control of the situation if I have friends and family helping me out...so I'm not deleting it this time... I WILL post this! 

Here's what's going on...

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had a very cheery disposition. Always happy, always smiling. My mom called me "Cheerful Kristin".

I was a happy person. I prided myself in being such an optimist; always finding the good in every situation.

That is, until all these health issues started happening to my body; and with those problems came negativity, sadness, and a grumbling spirit.

Looking back over the past six years of my life, I remember all the bad times, all the times of hardship, and basically all the things that make for a really awesome pity party!

Over the past 2 weeks, for reasons I have yet to figure out, these negative thoughts and pessimistic attitude have made their presence known in my life 10 fold.

I can pinpoint the main cause, which for most people in 2012 is the same...finances. 

Stressed is not strong enough of a word.

There are days when I don't want to open the mailbox because I know there will be another bill...another late notice...someone else wanting money that I don't have.

And the stress from that has seeped its way into every little nook and cranny of my life. Parts of my life that have nothing to do with finances are being knocked flat by this horrible attitude that I have had. 

Grumbling because my laundry room smells like cigarette smoke and I can't figure out why.

Yelling at Sadie because she has to bark at Every. Single. Car. that passes the apartment. 

Cursing the horrible old carpet in my apartment, and the new kitchen floor I was supposed to get that has somehow been forgotten about.

No vacation this year...or last? ssspphhh Who needs vacation anyway?


My list goes on...and on. I have not been a happy person. In fact I've been down right horrible, and probably no fun to be around.

Even looking back over my Facebook status updates for the past few weeks I realized how negative and miserable I sounded. 

I missed church on Sunday, mainly because I was just having one of those days where I didn't feel like being around people. Nothing to do with my church family, because I love them! ...it was just people in general.

Well, I woke up Monday morning feeling horrible. I was mad at myself for missing church, feeling horribly lonely, and just wanting to crawl into a hole and stay there for a while. But I knew that was no good. 

So, I tried my hardest to think of something positive to do.

Hmm, well, I've been hiding out in this apartment for the past 48 hours...how about getting outside in the sun! It's so nice out, and I love feeling the warm sun on my skin. I'll go out and pull all those nasty weeds around my front stoop and flower pots. Yeah, that's a positive thing to do.

ha

I wasn't 2 minutes in to pulling weeds when my horrible attitude started showing. 

My landlord's power of attorney was supposed to send someone over here to clean this all up...but has she done that yet? nooo. And who has weeds for a front yard? Why can't I live somewhere with a yard? A beer bottle? C'mon people...if I find one more beer bottle under this bush I'm gonna stand guard here every night until I catch you...I'm not sleeping at night anyway.

"Sadie! Quit barking at the neighbors cat!"

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Check behind me...pile of weeds is getting quite large...complain about all the weeds again. 

Pull a weed.

I wish those guys in the auto mechanic place next door would quiet down.

Pull a weed.

AAhhhh! It's the mailman! Please don't stop here, please don't stop here.


People, it was bad. I was so wanting to pick up my little garden shovel and dig that hole so I could hide for a few days.

And then it happened.

I turned around to check on my mountainous pile of weeds again, and there stood Sadie right in the middle of the pile, peeing all over my weeds. Not just a little pee. Drenched my pile of weeds.

Count to 10.  1...2...3...4...5...6...7.......

See, my normal cheery self would probably have laughed, but this Negative Nancy that has taken over me the past few weeks just did not see the humor in the situation. That's when I realized how utterly miserable I was making myself. Yes, it took my dog peeing on a pile of weeds, but hey, whatever works. 

So I'm trying, I'm really trying to fight all the negativity and my horrible attitude. So please, friends and family, if you notice me being especially negative, or having a nasty attitude please tell me.

I'm trying really hard to find my cheery disposition again...I will not let my current health situation take that away from me! Satan is trying so hard to get into every part of my life, even my attitude, but I will not let that happen. He has been attacking for over 6 years now, and there have been so many times that I just wanted to give up, but by God's strength I carry on. 

I will get my life back.

I will do awesome things for God.

Satan has no idea what he's got coming. He may have knocked me down and be laughing at the state my health is in right now, but once I'm back on my feel he better watch out.

he will not win this one

 I am a fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I absolutely love this picture.
Isaiah 41: 10,13
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. 
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you. 
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
For I hold you by your right hand - 
I, the Lord your God. 
And I say to you, 
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you. 

In a pickle

In a Pickle: "In a quandary, dilemma."


Yes, I am in quite the dilemma, and I'm praying that someone who reads my blog has been in the same place before and can share some advice and wisdom on my situation. Here's whats happening...


My doctor has be on a few different meds right now. The main one, and most important, is what gets me through the day. If I forget to take it...well, lets just hope I don't ever forget to take it =] No problem here, this part is not what is giving me trouble.


It's the other two...


One is just a mega dose of vitamin D. Such a high dose that my doctor gave me a prescription for it, because you can't buy it off the shelf. Basically, if I don't take it I have 0.0000 energy. Like, can't make it out of the house kind of energy. HAVE to take this!


The other one he gives me is to counter act the first two. Both my regular med and the vitamin D give me such energy that I CANNOT SLEEP at night! So he gave me a 'sleep aid' to take so I can actually sleep, like a normal human being. Sounds logical, right?


Well, this natural sleep aid that I take Knocks. Me. Out. Within 20 minutes of taking it I'm out like light bulb. And don't expect to see me anytime soon, because after taking this I could sleep for.ev.er. Literally slept 24 hours straight last week because I took HALF a pill. 


I've tried taking it at different times of the day, not taking a whole dose (like a mentioned before), only taking it a few times a week.


Nothing seems to be working. 


So if I don't take the sleep aid I'm up all night, falling asleep around 6am, and then sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. Kind of like tonight, when I'm blogging at 1am instead of sleeping, because I feel quite wide awake!


If I DO take it, the fire department may just have to come blow their whistle outside my bedroom window to wake me up.


So, anybody out there have any brilliant ideas? I have to take the Vitamin D, no questions asked. And it would be nice to actually sleep at night, so the natural sleep aid would be nice if it worked properly.


Please help! I've got to get this figured out so I can actually live my life.

Change

Did you notice the new blog design?

How about the new music?

Change. Something that didn't bother me a whole lot until after Mom passed away. 

                               Change:

to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., 

 of (something) different from what it is or from 

 what it would be if left alone:

The change that comes with the death of a parent is not something you should have to deal with at my age. It's not natural. My future course was changed. My family's life was not left alone.

So because of that I tried to control everything I had the power to keep from changing. For the longest time it gave me the feeling of power. Like I was karate chopping the devil in the face and saying

Ha! Take that Devil! Let's see you try to mess with this part of my life!

Like the devil really cares that I refuse to use any kind of laundry detergent other than the brand Mom used.....even if the other stuff is on sale! 

Yes, POWER!

No, road blocks.

 Laundry detergent? A road block?

Yep. And all the other silly little things too. I was living in the past. It felt as if I was holding on to a piece of Mom by keeping everything else as normal as possible. Right down to listening to music every Sunday morning while getting ready for church; or the way Mom's purse is still exactly the way she left it the night before she passed away. I even had an extremely difficult time deciding to grow out a particular hair cut because Mom had loved it so much.

And I know a lot of things will still seem 'normal' simply because it's just what comes naturally; because of the way I was raised some things just come from habit.

But I realized I was holding on to things and forcing myself to do things a certain way because this is how Mom would have done it.

No. Mom would have said, "Do it YOUR way Kristin. Live your life. Be your own person."

Sigh. Right down to my blog.

Mom and I sat together one night and designed my blog layout, making sure all the little details were just right. It took us hours! We loved it!

But it's been like that for almost 2 years, and recently I was kind of wanting a change. *gasp*

And for months I refused to change it because thats the way my blog looked the last time Mom saw it.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I had a dream the other night in which Mom was quite upset with me that I was holding on to all this silly stuff. When I woke up the next morning I felt like she had kicked my butt in to gear. Funny how she still has the ability to do that :]

I started slowly making little changes over the next few days. Hence, the new blog design. One of the smaller things yes, but I'm still working on it.

With Mom's butt-kicking dream and my new medicines making me feel a little more like a human being, I fully intend on making changes in the more important and bigger things in life. Like becoming my own independent person, and not relying on my Dad for so much support from the other side of the country.

I'm a big girl now :]

That big stuff will take some time; so for now I'm going to work on some more of the smaller stuff.

So pardon me while I go rearrange my pots and pans.

 

 

Which Passion Will Prevail?

As I was standing at the sink brushing my teeth this morning, this song suddenly came into my head. I'm not sure why because I hadn't heard it for years. But it immediately reminded me of growing up in the Nazarene Church, because I think we sang it just about every other week.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free.

Chorus

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
O’er us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

I've been singing it all day, and decided I was a little curious as to the origins of the song. So, I did what every other person in America would have done. I Googled it! :-] Here is what I found, and I think it is quite interesting!

England born Helen H. Lemmel (1863-1961) lived most of her life in America. She was a gifted concert soloist, a music teacher at the Moody Bible Institute, and music critic for the Seattle Post. She also worked as director of a woman's choral group that was a regular part of the Billy Sunday evangelical meetings. Helen wrote the words and music of Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus in 1922, to be sung at those meetings.

The inspiration for Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, which Helen entitled The Heavenly Vision, came from the writings of author and artist Lilias Trotter (1853-1928).

Lilias Trotter was a brilliant artist whose talent opened the doors to wealth and influence. Her other love was missions. After struggling in prayer for two years, Trotter came to the conclusion that she must lay down her love of art in order to fix her eyes solely on Jesus, and on His calling to the mission field. She subsequently served for more than 38 years as a missionary to Muslims of Algeria. She also authored several books and tracts. The following is an excerpt from her tract, Which Passion Will Prevail?

"Never has it been so easy to live in half a dozen harmless worlds at once -- art, music, social science, games, motoring, the following of some profession, and so on. And between them we run the risk of drifting about, the good hiding the best." It is easy to find out whether our lives are focused, and if so, where the focus lies. Where do our thoughts settle when consciousness comes back in the morning? Where do they swing back when the pressure is off during the day? Dare to have it out with God, and ask Him to show you whether or not all is focused on Christ and His Glory. Turn your soul's vision to Jesus, and look at Him, and a strange dimness will come over all that is apart from Him."
- Lilias Trotter

Article found here. 

 I love this sentence:  "Dare to have it out with God, and ask Him to show you whether or not all is focused on Christ and His Glory."

I know in the coming days, weeks, months, I'm going to "have it out with God" and ask him if my focus is in the right place. It can be so easy to become distracted with everything this world offers. 

Which of your passions will prevail? Your passion to become everything you can in the worlds eyes? Or will your passion for Christ be your focus in 2012.

Think about it.