I am a Fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I am not proud of what I am about to tell you. In fact, this is the third time I have written this post. The first two attempts were quickly deleted before I posted them, because I was just too embarrassed to let the world read about my failures.

But I finally decided that if I tell you about it, maybe it will become easier to regain control of the situation if I have friends and family helping me out...so I'm not deleting it this time... I WILL post this! 

Here's what's going on...

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had a very cheery disposition. Always happy, always smiling. My mom called me "Cheerful Kristin".

I was a happy person. I prided myself in being such an optimist; always finding the good in every situation.

That is, until all these health issues started happening to my body; and with those problems came negativity, sadness, and a grumbling spirit.

Looking back over the past six years of my life, I remember all the bad times, all the times of hardship, and basically all the things that make for a really awesome pity party!

Over the past 2 weeks, for reasons I have yet to figure out, these negative thoughts and pessimistic attitude have made their presence known in my life 10 fold.

I can pinpoint the main cause, which for most people in 2012 is the same...finances. 

Stressed is not strong enough of a word.

There are days when I don't want to open the mailbox because I know there will be another bill...another late notice...someone else wanting money that I don't have.

And the stress from that has seeped its way into every little nook and cranny of my life. Parts of my life that have nothing to do with finances are being knocked flat by this horrible attitude that I have had. 

Grumbling because my laundry room smells like cigarette smoke and I can't figure out why.

Yelling at Sadie because she has to bark at Every. Single. Car. that passes the apartment. 

Cursing the horrible old carpet in my apartment, and the new kitchen floor I was supposed to get that has somehow been forgotten about.

No vacation this year...or last? ssspphhh Who needs vacation anyway?


My list goes on...and on. I have not been a happy person. In fact I've been down right horrible, and probably no fun to be around.

Even looking back over my Facebook status updates for the past few weeks I realized how negative and miserable I sounded. 

I missed church on Sunday, mainly because I was just having one of those days where I didn't feel like being around people. Nothing to do with my church family, because I love them! ...it was just people in general.

Well, I woke up Monday morning feeling horrible. I was mad at myself for missing church, feeling horribly lonely, and just wanting to crawl into a hole and stay there for a while. But I knew that was no good. 

So, I tried my hardest to think of something positive to do.

Hmm, well, I've been hiding out in this apartment for the past 48 hours...how about getting outside in the sun! It's so nice out, and I love feeling the warm sun on my skin. I'll go out and pull all those nasty weeds around my front stoop and flower pots. Yeah, that's a positive thing to do.

ha

I wasn't 2 minutes in to pulling weeds when my horrible attitude started showing. 

My landlord's power of attorney was supposed to send someone over here to clean this all up...but has she done that yet? nooo. And who has weeds for a front yard? Why can't I live somewhere with a yard? A beer bottle? C'mon people...if I find one more beer bottle under this bush I'm gonna stand guard here every night until I catch you...I'm not sleeping at night anyway.

"Sadie! Quit barking at the neighbors cat!"

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Check behind me...pile of weeds is getting quite large...complain about all the weeds again. 

Pull a weed.

I wish those guys in the auto mechanic place next door would quiet down.

Pull a weed.

AAhhhh! It's the mailman! Please don't stop here, please don't stop here.


People, it was bad. I was so wanting to pick up my little garden shovel and dig that hole so I could hide for a few days.

And then it happened.

I turned around to check on my mountainous pile of weeds again, and there stood Sadie right in the middle of the pile, peeing all over my weeds. Not just a little pee. Drenched my pile of weeds.

Count to 10.  1...2...3...4...5...6...7.......

See, my normal cheery self would probably have laughed, but this Negative Nancy that has taken over me the past few weeks just did not see the humor in the situation. That's when I realized how utterly miserable I was making myself. Yes, it took my dog peeing on a pile of weeds, but hey, whatever works. 

So I'm trying, I'm really trying to fight all the negativity and my horrible attitude. So please, friends and family, if you notice me being especially negative, or having a nasty attitude please tell me.

I'm trying really hard to find my cheery disposition again...I will not let my current health situation take that away from me! Satan is trying so hard to get into every part of my life, even my attitude, but I will not let that happen. He has been attacking for over 6 years now, and there have been so many times that I just wanted to give up, but by God's strength I carry on. 

I will get my life back.

I will do awesome things for God.

Satan has no idea what he's got coming. He may have knocked me down and be laughing at the state my health is in right now, but once I'm back on my feel he better watch out.

he will not win this one

 I am a fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I absolutely love this picture.
Isaiah 41: 10,13
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. 
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you. 
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
For I hold you by your right hand - 
I, the Lord your God. 
And I say to you, 
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you. 

The Joys of Leftovers!

Tonight's dinner: Cornbread and Chili Casserole! 

I was going to say, "And here's dinner for the rest of the week", but  after eating the first piece I don't know if it will last that long! =] I was really hungry for something like this but couldn't find a single recipe that I had all the ingredients for. So I just kind of combined a few recipes and made the rest up as I went along, and it is quite delicious...if I may say so myself =] Now please excuse me while I go eat some more!

Rainy Day Inspiration

I was a little bored today, and as I was sitting in my living room watching the rain out my big picture window, I suddenly felt inspired. I have a dress that has been in my closet for years that I have only ever worn once, many years ago! Mostly because it just didn't fit right, and the one time I wore it it felt like a big feed sack. No structure to this dress whatsoever!

<--- See? It was just a sad, sad dress.


So in my moment of rainy day inspiration, I decided to finally fix it 'Kristin style'...which means to just start cutting and pinning and see what happens :]






It took longer than I thought it would, but I'm quite happy with the results. It started out that I was just going to take it in a little and fix the neck line, but I ended up taking the whole dress apart!

Here is the finished product. What do you think?

Front

Back

No More Puppies On The Bed!

I do not like it at all when dogs are allowed to sleep in their owner's beds. (No offense if you let your dog in your bed, this is just my own personal opinion :]) Nope. Nope. Sadie knows that my bed is off limits to her. 

Before she was house broken I blocked off the spare room with a baby gate, and she stayed in there while I was at work or at night time. I figured if she made any messes while I was gone at least it wouldn't be all over the house. 

The past 2 weeks I slept in the spare room while my Dad and Suzanne were visiting from the other Coast, and yes, that is the bed that Sadie sleeps on at night. (a twin size bed is huge for a 7 lb dog lol )

So I figured I'd just deal with a dog in the bed for a couple of weeks. But gee, for such a small dog she sure does take up a lot of space!

Anyway, she has been doing so well with not leaving me any stinky surprises around that house that I decided not to block her in the spare room at night anymore.

I went to bed last night and she was all curled up on her little pillow on the floor beside my bed. Well she must have gotten used to sleeping in a bed with me, and figured that it was now ok to jump up on my big bed, because I woke up in the middle of the night last night and felt something heavy on my feet. Now, I like to sleep with lots of pillows, and occasionally I'll end up kicking a few onto the floor during the night. So I figured that this heavy thing laying on my feet was a pillow....so I kicked it off the bed. 

Nope.

Not a pillow.

Yup, it was Sadie.

It didn't take her long to forgive me :] and I crawled back in bed, thinking surely that had reminded her that she wasn't allowed on my bed.

Nope, again.

A few hours later I woke up and there she was sitting on the pillows right by my head just staring at me. 

So I guess it's back to the spare room for Sadie until she remembers the rules. It's for her safety of course.....I don't want to kick the poor pup off the bed again!

 

Yes, I'd like to refill my 'stupid' pills, please.

It's been one of those weeks when the alarm clock goes off in the morning and I hit snooze...and then hit it again...and then again. Obviously this has me rushing around when I finally do pull myself out of bed and makes me want to curse the 25 mph speed limit that is 95% of the trip to work.

Why? Why can't I get out of bed this week? Why am I so exhausted? I'm not staying up any later than normal.

Well, I'm a big dummy.

Along with my 'once a day every day' medicine that I take, my doctor prescribed me a once a week little green pill that is basically jam packed full of vitamins... "You need more energy, Kristin!" he says. "Your Vitamin D level is drastically low! It's the worst I've seen for a long time...how do you have energy to do ANYTHING?"

Guess who forgot to refill that prescription last week? And guess who hasn't taken that cute little green 'energy' pill this week?

Yup, that'd be me...the girl who can't get out of bed!

Man, my doctor knows what he's talking about! haha That makes me feel good :]

Energy Depleted...Time to Relax!

Yes, it's me...the long lost 'Online Journal' blogger. 

A slightly more than usual busy schedule, combined with financially opting to discontinue my Internet service for about a month, led to me abandoning this little corner of the world wide web.

It's nice to be back though, and I'm going to take advantage of this connection time until my wallet changes that again for me :]

In fact, I have a new post all worked out in my head...but unfortunately this head of mine is beginning to thump, and I'm starting to feel a little under the weather. My comfy sweat pants and baggy t-shirt are calling my name, and the super soft pillow and comforter on my couch look oh so inviting! I'm headed to relax for the evening!

Check back in the next few day though! There won't be nearly as much time in between posts!

In the meantime for the next few hours this is how you will find me...

 

Goodbye for now, and enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

And It's Only Day Two

I've mentioned my new job on Facebook, but to my readers who are not connected with me through Facebook: I'm a Nanny again! Started on Monday!

I feel so blessed to be working as a Nanny again and only 2 days into it I already know that this is going to be awesome! 

I never thought I'd be able to say this, but I feel like I'm 15 years old again...back before all my health problems started and I felt like a 'normal' human being. This new doctor has been great, and I really do feel like my old young-self again :]

Tomorrow is day 3 of my new job, and already I've rediscovered some 

Telltale signs that I'm a Nanny!

• I walked around all afternoon/evening after work wondering why I could still smell baby puke. When I got home from the market I caught a glimpse of the back of my shirt...yes, dried up baby puke alllll down the back of my shirt.

• I have mastered the art of getting a 6.5 month old to open his mouth to eat his food. You spin in a circle, make a funny face, and say "Ta-da". He then laughs just long enough for you to slip the spoon in his mouth and dump the nasty sme...I mean, yummy smelling baby food on his tongue. 

 

• Toddler-talk is now my second language. 

 

• On my way home from work today I wasn't listening to my favorite Adele CD. No, I was singing the Bubble Guppies song.

 

• An afternoon snack of Goldfish and a juice box are now part of the daily routine. 

  

Dear Aunts --- I Mean ANTS.

Dear Ants that have over taken my bathroom,

   I believe you may have read the memo wrong; this is an apartment for 1 Aunt...not Many Ants. You are not welcome here. Please go away, or you will inevitably be squished by my shoe, a rolled up newspaper, or yes...even eaten by my dog. This is your last warning.

   Sincerely,

       The Aunt in charge of Apartment #3.

 

 

 

Find Time For Living

I was putting a lot of thought in to what I wanted to do in 2012; how did I want to spend my time this year?

Well, I had a list of things I wanted to do, but was having a hard time figuring out how to put it into words. I have things I want to do, but what are the right words to go along with those things? So I came back to my blog to re-read my last post. As I read the comments I finally found the right words, thanks to my dear blogging friend at Plant My Apple Tree.

Find time for living.

Yes, I want to make sure I find time to live my life!  To do the things I've always wanted to do, but for one reason or another just haven't found the time or right circumstances. 

What kind of things, you may ask?

Well, things like:


Finally getting the drama team at church up and running (which is already in progress!)

Being purposeful in getting my life back on track with the help of my doctors.

Run another mini summer camp for girls with Dannah Gresh's book Secret Keeper Girls.


Take a Road Trip with friends! I don't care where to, but I love road trips! They're reasons to get out of town without having to stress about lots of details :)


My list goes on. 


My Mom always told me that this would be a special time in my life. A time when I'm on my own and have nothing holding me back from having, as she put it, Me Time.

Who knows, one day I may have a family of my own and won't be able to just up and take a last minute road trip with friends, etc.

This is me time. This is my year. I'm going to find time for living!

 

 

I'm Back.....Kind of....

Well blog readers, I am still without a computer. It is so frustrating since my computer will turn on, but refuses to do anything other than that. Since it has now been over a month that my laptop has just been sitting there, causing a feeling of annoyance every time I walk past it, I was determined to fix it last night.

Now, I'm no "lets just sit and fix the computer" kind of person. No, I usually end up doing more harm than good. So who did I turn to last night for help? God of course :)

I laid hands on that dumb laptop.

I prayed.

I prayed hard.

I prayed again.

Using every ounce of my faith and determination I was convinced that God was hearing my prayers.

But alas, I do believe God is playing a trick on me, because after my fervent prayers my computer is now worse than before. "And then the clouds opened up and God said, "I hate you Alfalfa".

My cousin and her new husband are on their honeymoon this week, and they graciously invited me to use the computer at their apartment while they are gone. So here I sit, not even a mile from my apartment, connected to the world wide web...kinda making the whole "Kristin, your computer is dead" thing a little more annoying.

Anybody out there know how to fix computers? Seems like it may be an easy fix if you know what you're doing. But as you know from my 'prayer gone wrong' me and computer fixing just don't mix :)

This blog is the thing I miss most about not having a computer. I do miss facebook and the ability to kill random free time on the Internet, but I can deal with that for a while longer. But this blog is constantly on my mind. I love to just sit and type out my feelings. In fact, my doctor has told me this is some of the best medicine for my health problems. So for now I'm throwing all my word vomit into a journal, but cannot wait to get that silly laptop fixed.

The holiday season is here so I'm sure I'll have lots of stuff on my mind to write about, and hopefully lots of pictures from family gatherings.

Maybe I'll go lay hands on that silly laptop again. Hey, it can't get any worse.....right?

No Connection

Dear Blog readers,
     No, I have not forgotten about this little corner of the Internet. In fact I think about it just about every day. However, my laptop computer has decided it's tired of working for me, and now refuses to connect to the Internet.


     I knew this day was coming, since my laptop will be 3 years old in December, but I was really praying that it would hold on just a little longer until buying a new computer was within my financial comfort zone.


    So until I can buy a new computer...which may be a while...I have a limited amount of time during the week when the Internet is at my finger tips.


     Keep checking back, as I will update as often as I can!

Link To My Sister's Blog

Once again, my sister took the words right out of my mouth.....and she says this better than I ever could! Please check out her latest blog post!

This has also been on my heart lately, ever since I learned of the passing on a man in our community who was just a few years older than my mom, and has children my age and even younger.

My heart is now open to others going through the same experience that my family went through in the past year.

http://www.curtisfour.blogspot.com/

Read her post.....her words do the job much better.

I just want to say...

...I told you so! Just a few posts back I talked about Toddlers and Tiaras, asking if maybe this show was going too far. I guess the rest of America is now asking the same question!

I still have copies of Dannah Gresh's 8 Great Dates book for Moms and Daughters! Let me know if you want a copy! Those of you who requested one, your copy is on its way soon!

I'm Standing On My Soapbox, People!

Although I'm not literally on a soapbox and I'm not talking about anything political, I am about to 'make a speach' about something that is very important to me. All who choose to continue reading, I warn you, this subject is very dear to my heart so this may get scary :)

Growing up my family very seldom had TV. We would watch movies, and visit my grandparents TV set when the Olympics where one. Every once in a while Mom and Dad would decide to order TV for a while, but it only ever lasted a few months.

A few years ago we ordered DirecTV so we could host Super Bowl and News Years parties...etc. Mom agreed to this with the condition that the TV be set up in the basement, so it wasn't so easily accessible.

Her plan worked, and we didn't watch TV nearly as often as we would have had it been on the main living level of the house.

Stop right there. I'm not on my soapbox to talk about how America watches to much TV.

I'm up here to talk about a particular show.

When I moved in with Pap and Grandma, Pap hooked up my new TV (thanks Dad!) to the cable line.....the cable line in my bedroom. Hence, I've been watching way more TV than I ever used to! I'm not very proud of this.

I'm the kind of person who likes channels like: HGTV, TBS, ABC Family, TLC.

TLC is my favorite, with shows like What not to Wear, Say yes to the dress, 19 and Counting, Kate Plus 8...to name a few.

Well, on Wednesday nights, there is this show (and you've all probably heard about it...or maybe even watched it) called Toddlers and Tiaras.

*Pause while I stand up a little taller on my soapbox*

Since I was about 16 I've had a passion in my heart for ministry with 8-12 year old girls. This is such a critical time in a girls life. Its when they start learning about what it means to be 'pretty' and they start caring a little more about self presentation.

My 6 year old niece told me the other day, in all seriousness, that I was having a bad hair day.....don't tell me she doesn't understand! (And heres a high-five to my Sister and Brother-in-law who are doing an amazing job with little Cosette!)

So, on this show, these innocent little girls are made up, dressed up, and ....in my opinion, messed up.

I watched in horror as a little 5 year old girl walked on stage in a less than appropriate outfit and did a dance routine that, if she had been a full grown woman, I would have had to change the channel because it would have been quite provocative. She's 5 people! A few minutes earlier, this same little girl had this conversation with her Mom:




Girl: I just wanna go play on the play ground. *crying*

Mom: We have to win the crown first.

Girl: But can I have some milk?

Mom: After we win the crown.

She's a little girl. Take off the 5 pounds of make up.....the entire can of hairspray.....the fake eyelashes.....the inappropriate costume.....and let the little girl be LITTLE!

Now, I'm not saying that letting little girls dress up and have fun on stage is wrong. I myself was in dance class since I was 6 and enjoyed the costumes and stage fun. But this was the difference:

I had a Mom who taught me what true beauty was: Its whats on the inside...the crown doesn't matter.

My amazing dance instructor had us dancing to music by Michael W. Smith, Nicole C. Mullen, Carmen...etc. NOT Lady Gaga or Beyonce.

Our dance choreography was all to glorify God...not to win the approval of the judges.
A Toddlers and Tiaras Mom said, "If she messes up her dance routine, at least she still has her pretty face to help us win the crown."

So, why am I on my soapbox?

I'm up here to stand up for our little girls. Keep them little. Don't dress your 6 year old like shes 25. When your daughter is in that 8-12 year old stage, that is when it is most important to start teaching about true beauty.

Focus on your daughter's heart, not her hair.

Ok, I'm stepping down now.

For anyone with a little girl in that wonderful time of life, check out Author and Speaker Dannah Gresh's website www.purefreedom.org. She has lots of resources and ideas on how to "Keep the LITTLE in your little girl". Anyone interested in her 8 Great Dates book for Moms and daughter's, please contact me, as I have some of those available! I'd love to bless you with a copy!

Waiting = Exhausting

Warning: If you have no desire to read the complaints of a girl who just needs to 'vent', then please stop reading now! :)


When I moved in with my grandparents on January 28th, I had no idea how long I was going to stay here. At that point I didn't have a job, therefore there was no way for me to consider living on my own.

Two weeks after moving in a job and an apartment were basically placed in my hands! It was a God thing :)

So, I started working, but was told I would have to wait on the apartment a few weeks while it was being remodeled. No problem...after just packing up an entire house in 3 days, I had no interest in packing up all my stuff right away. 2 weeks was perfect.

So, I waited.

Remodeling of the apartment was taking a little longer than my landlord first anticipated, and I was told it would be another month. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I could deal with that. At least I knew I had the apartment, job, and my life outside of my parents / grandparents homes was right around the corner.

So, I waited.

That was in March.

This is June 14th.

I'm still not in my apartment.

5 1/2 weeks ago I found out that my apartment was finished, and all ready for me to start my life in it. However, my landlord had gone out of town and being the busy business man that he is, he had left his phone at home to avoid 'work calls' on his vacation.....and I couldn't exactly move in while he was gone. I had no idea when he would be returning home.

So, I waited.

And waited.

Finally, last Tuesday I got a call from him! He said he was back in town, but super busy from having been gone so long. He assured me he would call that weekend, and we would talk over the details of my apartment move.

So I waited.

It's now Tuesday...again. Still haven't heard from him. I know he is super busy and has a lot more important stuff to be taking care of....come on, the man owns 5 businesses!

So, I'm still waiting.

But I am now exhausted. Way back in February when I was told I would be moving in 2 weeks, I was thrilled!

When those 2 weeks turned into 1 month, I was still excited.....but slightly disappointed.

When 1 month turned in to 5 months.....well, we won't go there. I think the easiest way to describe myself right now would be with the word exhausted. I'm tired of waiting.

I'm ready to start my life over. Ever since that horrible day in August my life has been upside down. I'm still living my day-to-day life based on August 9th, 2010, because every morning that I wake up and see those boxes I am reminded of why I'm here. The one thing that is going to help me start over is unpacking my 'life'. Unpacking all of my (and Mom's) stuff will help me feel like I can move on.....like I have a life and am no longer 'waiting'.

But right now I feel stuck. Stuck in the 'upside-down' stage. So ready to start over.

So, faithful blog readers, please pray that I am able to move in to my apartment soon!



Okay, I feel a little better after typing that all out!

Sometimes the only way to keep

your thoughts from swirling around

in your head like a tornado is to

write them down on a piece of paper.

Cannot.Stop.Writing.

"Her fingers begin tapping the small black keys on her keyboard, as if they knew exactly what they were doing without being told. To her surprise, as her fingers move quickly across the keys making a *click-ity-tap* sound, words and sentences that actually make sense begin to appear on the screen in front of her."


Yes, I often think in story form, and as I sat down at the computer this evening I felt like blogging, but wasn't exactly sure where to start. So, I decided to just start typing....the above paragraph is what you got :)


Which makes me consider how often I think in story form.


"She sits quietly, staring at her computer screen. How often does she think in story form?"


Well, I guess that answers my question.



"After writing several more sentences and reading them over a few times, she quickly backspaces, deciding those words are not necessary for this post. Where is she going with this?"


I so enjoy writing, or at least making up the stories in my head! I just need to find a way to use this tool for a good purpose, and not just for my own enjoyment.


"Why is she telling them this? She's not really sure, for after all, it was her fingers - not her brain - that started this post"


I remember sitting in my Advisor's office at our community college and being very disappointed when she told me I had already taken all the English classes they offered. And no, I couldn't take them again just for the fun of it :)


"She now realizes that when she sat down at the computer this evening, the writing passion she had inside of her was about to burst, since it has been two weeks since she last posted."


So...

"Again, she wonders where this is going....."


That's all folks......I wanted to write.....and that's exactly what I just did. I'm off to look for some inspiration for a REAL post :)


"She feels the post is lacking a real conclusion (or any point or purpose, for that matter), but feeling inspired to do some research on how to use all this writing for something useful, she determines to leave the post the way it is."

In Good Hands

I don't mind being home alone; I really don't. In fact, sometimes I look forward to having the house to myself.

However, its not often that I have to stay all night by myself. Normally someone else is here, and I have peace knowing I'm not the only one in the house.

Tonight, unfortunately, is one of those rare nights when I'm going to be home all night.....all alone. This happened a few weeks ago, but I was already asleep when my brother left the house, so I didn't mind. But tonight, I'm wide awake.

I had an amazing day out with friends, and tried to forget that I'd be coming home to an empty house. It didn't help matters when I pulled in the driveway at 9pm  and discovered that I had forgotten to leave the porch lights on. Brilliant.

I considered staying at my sister's house where there would be lots of people. However, with the many changes taking place in this household, I decided that I needed to get used to staying by myself.

I thanked the Lord for the mini flashlight on my key chain, walked (very quickly) up my sidewalk (which seemed a mile long tonight), fumbled with the keys at the door, kicked the cat out of the way, and locked the door behind me. I leaned my head against the door so thankful to have made it inside :) Yes, I know, I'm pathetic!

And that's when it hits me. Its quiet. Eerily quiet. I don't like it!

After closing the curtains on all the windows, I turn on some music, hoping to kill the quietness.

Fail.

That scares me more knowing that I could be covering sounds of someone on my porch.

...I told you, I'm pathetic, but I really don't like being home alone all night.

So I turn off the music.

Here I sit, trying to decide what I can do to make this a little less creepy. There has to be something.....

Everywhere I look in my house I am reminded of my Mom; obviously, this was her house too!

What would Mom tell me to do in a situation like this? That was an extremely easy question to answer since I am creeped out very easily, and had asked her what to do about this many times in the past.

Her and my Dad both would advise me to turn to Jesus. That seemed like a great suggestion, since I was sitting two feet from my Bible huddled in my bedroom. (Which happens to be my 'safe haven') This house feels as big as the Taj Mahal when I'm home alone.

Sitting down on my bed with my Bible in front of me, I pray for peace of mind.

I head to proverbs, which is normally where I start when I'm not sure where to start :) I find a pretty cool verse and decide to see how The Message says it. This was also easily accessible, since my laptop was also in my safe haven :)

In The Message Proverbs 1:33 says:

"First pay attention to me, and then relax.

Now you can take it easy-you're in good hands.”

Sometimes all it takes is that little reminder. Its something that I have known all my life, but in this instant, its exactly what I needed to hear!

I laughed at myself for being so silly!

So now I can relax and might actually be able to fall asleep tonight :)

Even though the wind is making weird noises on my window, and the water cooler in the kitchen sounds like someone knocking on the door, I can take it easy because I know I'm in good hands.

Have a peaceful night, and enjoy your Sunday!



Zero Inspiration

I've had the desire all day to write a new post. Some mornings I wake up just knowing its a blog kind of day. Usually there is something on my mind, or I've found inspiration during the previous few days.

However, this morning was a little different. I knew I wanted to post something, but unlike most other times, I had zero inspiration. During the course of the day I was searching for this inspiration. I looked for it in my Bible, on the radio, in conversations.....

Nothing seemed to hit the right nerve because at 7pm this evening I found staring at a blank computer screen, having no idea what was going to come from my mind and out my finger tips.

I began to wonder why I was even sitting here if I had nothing to write about. After walking away several times I knew that I would be mad at myself if I just quit.

So, trying to close out the noise of the house (which isn't easy with Sunday night football) I started thinking about why I was choosing to keep this blog. The only word that came to mind was Passion.

My trusty dictionary.com came up with this definition for Passion:

Any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.



After doing a little soul-searching, I realized this definition fit pretty well. I love to write. 

I have been keeping up a personal blog for almost 3 years now. The hardest part is not knowing who is reading.......or if anybody is reading at all. In the past few weeks about half a dozen people have mentioned to me about reading my blog. Its nice to hear that people find my writing worth reading. Writing really is my Passion and its a form of therapy; a way to get stuff of my chest!

I'm currently looking for another way to put my writing to use. While I love my blog and plan to keep it up for as long as I possibly can, I don't want to get 'stuck' here. Whether it be volunteer work, or possibly something to supplement my current income, I'm hoping to take a risk and put my writing out there. Any suggestions? 



Emptiness

I've started several different posts this week, and each time I ended up erasing it all and moving on to something else. Nothing seemed to be flowing right. Nothing seemed to fit. The first few attempts ended up making me more than a little frustrated. Normally when I have a thought about something, or an idea for a post hits me, I run with it! And that happened many times this week. However, I'd get a few sentences into it and BAM my mind would go blank.

My usually full-to-overflowing 'writers mind' was unnaturally empty.

I think I figured out why. Just tonight, actually.

The three of us and Jaime's family went out to eat at a nice restaurant tonight for Wray's Birthday. We sat at a large table and it just so happened that there was an extra seat. It was the seat to my right, and all through dinner I could see it out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't help but think that it should have been Mom's seat. It made me feel really empty inside.

It was the same empty feeling I had earlier this week when I, out of habit, set the table for 4.

It was the same empty feeling I had while I was running errands on Wednesday. That is something Mom and I always did TOGETHER, and I hated having an unoccupied passengers seat.

It was the same empty feeling I had at Walden books when the cashier looked up my Border's Rewards account, and asked if I was Karen....I forgot I always used Mom's account. I asked her to delete the account.

It was the same empty feeling I had when I opened up the mail box and pulled out a large envelope from Chevrolet "Congratulating Karen on Your New Impala". This is the car my Pap bought for Mom just 2 days before she had her stroke.

It was the same empty feeling I had when I was looking through books at Ollies and saw one titled, Special Thoughts for a Special Mom, and realized I don't have anybody to buy that book for.

It was the same empty feeling I had while I was driving home from the market tonight in a thunder storm......Mom LOVED thunder storms.


I've had a couple really empty weeks, and I realized that I just needed to sit and cry while I posted about Mom.....which is what I've been doing this whole time. All those other posts I started were about something 'serious', and subjects that were going to take some thought. But I knew I would find healing and peace just writing about Mom.

Not sure if this empty feeling will ever leave. I don't want it to, actually. I've been trying to fill the spot with thoughts of Mom. Anytime it hits me I try to think about what she would say to me to cheer me up. Sometimes this works, other times it just makes it worse.

With most of my posts I end with pulling all my thoughts together to make a point. However, I have no point to make tonight; no way a wrapping it up.

I think I just needed to get this post out of my system