An Apology

It is 4:30am and I have yet to sleep a wink since the sun set last night. I have about 5 or 6 different things laying heavy on my heart, and I believe one will be lifted if I make an apology. 

So, here it goes. 

In the past few weeks some faults on my part, as well as some misunderstandings, were brought to my attention from several different sources. I won't go into much detail here. 

If you have ever felt uncomfortable around me, or like I was judging you, I'm sorry. I was definitely not trying to make you feel this way and had no idea my attitude was coming off as judgmental. 

If it ever seemed like I was being fake, or like I was only being nice because I "had to", I'm sorry. Again, this was unintentional.  I have always thought of myself as a kind person and easy to get along with. So I apologize for my attitude suggesting otherwise.

Really, if I have ever done anything to hurt you it was unintentional and I was oblivious that anything was wrong. (or I would have apologized sooner)

I love all my family and friends, and it has been weighing heavily on my heart since I found out I had hurt or offended any of you. I would prefer to speak with all of you face to face, but it may be a while before I see you again. So please accept this as an apology. I was oblivious to the fact that any of this was going on. So thank you for bringing it to my attention. I will try my best to figure out a solution so I can avoid this in the future. 

Love you all! Have a great weekend!

I am a Fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I am not proud of what I am about to tell you. In fact, this is the third time I have written this post. The first two attempts were quickly deleted before I posted them, because I was just too embarrassed to let the world read about my failures.

But I finally decided that if I tell you about it, maybe it will become easier to regain control of the situation if I have friends and family helping me out...so I'm not deleting it this time... I WILL post this! 

Here's what's going on...

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have had a very cheery disposition. Always happy, always smiling. My mom called me "Cheerful Kristin".

I was a happy person. I prided myself in being such an optimist; always finding the good in every situation.

That is, until all these health issues started happening to my body; and with those problems came negativity, sadness, and a grumbling spirit.

Looking back over the past six years of my life, I remember all the bad times, all the times of hardship, and basically all the things that make for a really awesome pity party!

Over the past 2 weeks, for reasons I have yet to figure out, these negative thoughts and pessimistic attitude have made their presence known in my life 10 fold.

I can pinpoint the main cause, which for most people in 2012 is the same...finances. 

Stressed is not strong enough of a word.

There are days when I don't want to open the mailbox because I know there will be another bill...another late notice...someone else wanting money that I don't have.

And the stress from that has seeped its way into every little nook and cranny of my life. Parts of my life that have nothing to do with finances are being knocked flat by this horrible attitude that I have had. 

Grumbling because my laundry room smells like cigarette smoke and I can't figure out why.

Yelling at Sadie because she has to bark at Every. Single. Car. that passes the apartment. 

Cursing the horrible old carpet in my apartment, and the new kitchen floor I was supposed to get that has somehow been forgotten about.

No vacation this year...or last? ssspphhh Who needs vacation anyway?


My list goes on...and on. I have not been a happy person. In fact I've been down right horrible, and probably no fun to be around.

Even looking back over my Facebook status updates for the past few weeks I realized how negative and miserable I sounded. 

I missed church on Sunday, mainly because I was just having one of those days where I didn't feel like being around people. Nothing to do with my church family, because I love them! ...it was just people in general.

Well, I woke up Monday morning feeling horrible. I was mad at myself for missing church, feeling horribly lonely, and just wanting to crawl into a hole and stay there for a while. But I knew that was no good. 

So, I tried my hardest to think of something positive to do.

Hmm, well, I've been hiding out in this apartment for the past 48 hours...how about getting outside in the sun! It's so nice out, and I love feeling the warm sun on my skin. I'll go out and pull all those nasty weeds around my front stoop and flower pots. Yeah, that's a positive thing to do.

ha

I wasn't 2 minutes in to pulling weeds when my horrible attitude started showing. 

My landlord's power of attorney was supposed to send someone over here to clean this all up...but has she done that yet? nooo. And who has weeds for a front yard? Why can't I live somewhere with a yard? A beer bottle? C'mon people...if I find one more beer bottle under this bush I'm gonna stand guard here every night until I catch you...I'm not sleeping at night anyway.

"Sadie! Quit barking at the neighbors cat!"

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Pull a weed.

Complain.

Check behind me...pile of weeds is getting quite large...complain about all the weeds again. 

Pull a weed.

I wish those guys in the auto mechanic place next door would quiet down.

Pull a weed.

AAhhhh! It's the mailman! Please don't stop here, please don't stop here.


People, it was bad. I was so wanting to pick up my little garden shovel and dig that hole so I could hide for a few days.

And then it happened.

I turned around to check on my mountainous pile of weeds again, and there stood Sadie right in the middle of the pile, peeing all over my weeds. Not just a little pee. Drenched my pile of weeds.

Count to 10.  1...2...3...4...5...6...7.......

See, my normal cheery self would probably have laughed, but this Negative Nancy that has taken over me the past few weeks just did not see the humor in the situation. That's when I realized how utterly miserable I was making myself. Yes, it took my dog peeing on a pile of weeds, but hey, whatever works. 

So I'm trying, I'm really trying to fight all the negativity and my horrible attitude. So please, friends and family, if you notice me being especially negative, or having a nasty attitude please tell me.

I'm trying really hard to find my cheery disposition again...I will not let my current health situation take that away from me! Satan is trying so hard to get into every part of my life, even my attitude, but I will not let that happen. He has been attacking for over 6 years now, and there have been so many times that I just wanted to give up, but by God's strength I carry on. 

I will get my life back.

I will do awesome things for God.

Satan has no idea what he's got coming. He may have knocked me down and be laughing at the state my health is in right now, but once I'm back on my feel he better watch out.

he will not win this one

 I am a fighter! I am a daughter of The King!

I absolutely love this picture.
Isaiah 41: 10,13
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. 
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you. 
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
For I hold you by your right hand - 
I, the Lord your God. 
And I say to you, 
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you. 

My Thoughts Are Lost in 2010

I have been thinking about this particular post for several weeks now. 

What should I say?

Should I even write anything at all?

How do I begin to put into words what I am feeling right now?

I haven't answered any of those questions yet. I don't know what to say, or if I should even say anything at all. And heaven knows I don't know how to express the feeling you get when you lose someone so important to you.

I would say it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt than the normal physical pain of 'hurt'. It's more like an ache in your soul, your heart, right down to the core of your innermost being.

In other words, it pretty much sucks.

Today, August 9th, marks the 2 year anniversary of Mom passing away. Two years. Two years?


I usually know exactly what to say. I normally don't have trouble writing a blog post, but on this particular day, my mind is not here...not here on this blog. It's back in 2010 recalling every memory possible of Mom's last few days. I'm at a loss for words.

And for that reason I will end with this. 

I had the best Mom ever. From the beginning of time to the end of time, nobody has ever had or will ever have a Mom as awesome as mine. I love her with all that is in me, and my heart aches aches aches for her every day. 

To hear her voice.

To feel her touch.

To have the comfort of having a Mom. (Because you don't realize what comfort and support they are until they're not there anymore)

Mom, I miss you terribly, I love you for eternity, and I wish you were here so badly. Can't wait to see you again! ---Kristin Baby
   

In a pickle

In a Pickle: "In a quandary, dilemma."


Yes, I am in quite the dilemma, and I'm praying that someone who reads my blog has been in the same place before and can share some advice and wisdom on my situation. Here's whats happening...


My doctor has be on a few different meds right now. The main one, and most important, is what gets me through the day. If I forget to take it...well, lets just hope I don't ever forget to take it =] No problem here, this part is not what is giving me trouble.


It's the other two...


One is just a mega dose of vitamin D. Such a high dose that my doctor gave me a prescription for it, because you can't buy it off the shelf. Basically, if I don't take it I have 0.0000 energy. Like, can't make it out of the house kind of energy. HAVE to take this!


The other one he gives me is to counter act the first two. Both my regular med and the vitamin D give me such energy that I CANNOT SLEEP at night! So he gave me a 'sleep aid' to take so I can actually sleep, like a normal human being. Sounds logical, right?


Well, this natural sleep aid that I take Knocks. Me. Out. Within 20 minutes of taking it I'm out like light bulb. And don't expect to see me anytime soon, because after taking this I could sleep for.ev.er. Literally slept 24 hours straight last week because I took HALF a pill. 


I've tried taking it at different times of the day, not taking a whole dose (like a mentioned before), only taking it a few times a week.


Nothing seems to be working. 


So if I don't take the sleep aid I'm up all night, falling asleep around 6am, and then sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. Kind of like tonight, when I'm blogging at 1am instead of sleeping, because I feel quite wide awake!


If I DO take it, the fire department may just have to come blow their whistle outside my bedroom window to wake me up.


So, anybody out there have any brilliant ideas? I have to take the Vitamin D, no questions asked. And it would be nice to actually sleep at night, so the natural sleep aid would be nice if it worked properly.


Please help! I've got to get this figured out so I can actually live my life.

The Joys of Leftovers!

Tonight's dinner: Cornbread and Chili Casserole! 

I was going to say, "And here's dinner for the rest of the week", but  after eating the first piece I don't know if it will last that long! =] I was really hungry for something like this but couldn't find a single recipe that I had all the ingredients for. So I just kind of combined a few recipes and made the rest up as I went along, and it is quite delicious...if I may say so myself =] Now please excuse me while I go eat some more!

Rainy Day Inspiration

I was a little bored today, and as I was sitting in my living room watching the rain out my big picture window, I suddenly felt inspired. I have a dress that has been in my closet for years that I have only ever worn once, many years ago! Mostly because it just didn't fit right, and the one time I wore it it felt like a big feed sack. No structure to this dress whatsoever!

<--- See? It was just a sad, sad dress.


So in my moment of rainy day inspiration, I decided to finally fix it 'Kristin style'...which means to just start cutting and pinning and see what happens :]






It took longer than I thought it would, but I'm quite happy with the results. It started out that I was just going to take it in a little and fix the neck line, but I ended up taking the whole dress apart!

Here is the finished product. What do you think?

Front

Back

No More Puppies On The Bed!

I do not like it at all when dogs are allowed to sleep in their owner's beds. (No offense if you let your dog in your bed, this is just my own personal opinion :]) Nope. Nope. Sadie knows that my bed is off limits to her. 

Before she was house broken I blocked off the spare room with a baby gate, and she stayed in there while I was at work or at night time. I figured if she made any messes while I was gone at least it wouldn't be all over the house. 

The past 2 weeks I slept in the spare room while my Dad and Suzanne were visiting from the other Coast, and yes, that is the bed that Sadie sleeps on at night. (a twin size bed is huge for a 7 lb dog lol )

So I figured I'd just deal with a dog in the bed for a couple of weeks. But gee, for such a small dog she sure does take up a lot of space!

Anyway, she has been doing so well with not leaving me any stinky surprises around that house that I decided not to block her in the spare room at night anymore.

I went to bed last night and she was all curled up on her little pillow on the floor beside my bed. Well she must have gotten used to sleeping in a bed with me, and figured that it was now ok to jump up on my big bed, because I woke up in the middle of the night last night and felt something heavy on my feet. Now, I like to sleep with lots of pillows, and occasionally I'll end up kicking a few onto the floor during the night. So I figured that this heavy thing laying on my feet was a pillow....so I kicked it off the bed. 

Nope.

Not a pillow.

Yup, it was Sadie.

It didn't take her long to forgive me :] and I crawled back in bed, thinking surely that had reminded her that she wasn't allowed on my bed.

Nope, again.

A few hours later I woke up and there she was sitting on the pillows right by my head just staring at me. 

So I guess it's back to the spare room for Sadie until she remembers the rules. It's for her safety of course.....I don't want to kick the poor pup off the bed again!