Rushing Back

Please note: I wrote this at 1am, and by the time I was finished I was too tired to go back through and check for any spelling and grammatical errors. So please ignore any you may find :)

In the almost 11 months since my Mom passed away, there have been a lot of things that cause the reality of my life without Mom to come rushing back.

Little things like reaching the M's while scrolling through the contacts on my phone, and realizing that if I pressed SEND on 'Mom' I would probably get some stranger that took her number when we cancelled her phone line......not my Mother's voice, which I so long to hear right now. Yet, I can't bring myself to delete that contact off my phone and I probably never will.

Or when I stranger walked up to me and said, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but you look so familiar. Do I know you?" When I tell her my name, and finally mentioned my Grandfather's names (a lot of people in our area know at least one of them) and that still doesn't ring a bell for her she said, "Maybe I know your Mother. Does she work anywhere?" I couldn't say it. I couldn't say that my Mom had passed away 6 months ago. So you know what I did? I turned around and walked away. I never just walk away from someone when I'm talking to them, but that day that's all I could do. I ran from reality.....it was rushing back to fast.

Within the past week 2 big things have brought reality rushing back in.

The first being a piece of mail. All my mail is being forwarded to my Grandparents house until I move into my apartment, so when I walked into my room and found a package sitting on my bed I was not surprised. However, when I looked closer and saw that it was addressed to my Mom, my brain totally went wack and I stood there for a good 30 seconds trying to remember what Mom had ordered, and why she had it sent to Pap and Grandma's address. Once I noticed the return address, reality rushed back in. It was from the Organ Donation company. They normally address their mail to me, but somehow managed to get my Mom's name on the label. (which I'm sure was a complete accident). But for 30 seconds it took my reality and threw it out the back window.

The second thing happened just 2 days ago. I was walking out of a local department store when I saw a Gold Chevy Impala sitting in the parking lot. I need to explain something here. My Mom drove a Gold Chevy Impala (or "old man tan" as she liked to call it). Just a few days before she passed away she traded in this car for a new one. It was having a few problems, and the dealership was planning on fixing it up and reselling it.

Well, for the past 10 months I have been searching for this car. Every time I pass one I look for that little L shaped scratch it had beside the gas tank cover. Yes, I'm a girl.....I knew my Mom's car by that little scratch :) Anyway, I don't know how many Gold Impalas I have checked for that L shaped scratch. So, imagine my surprise when I walked out of that department store and saw, parked right beside my SUV, a Gold Impala with an L shaped scratch by the gas tank cover. It was Mom's car, no doubt about it. The people in the parking lot probably thought I was nuts because I burst into tears. After 10 months of searching, I finally found it! Well...it found me really.....parked right beside me!

There was a girl, probably about 16, sitting in the car. I walked over and got in my car, using all my might not to wrap my arms that beautiful Impala and lay my head on the hood. It was like finding a long lost friend. I locked myself in my SUV to keep myself from using bad judgement and actually hugging the thing. I acted like I had a reason to be just sitting there in my car, and glanced over as often as I could to catch another look. That girl probably thought I was crazy!

Eventually a lady came out of the store and got in the driver's seat of my Mom's car.....I mean her car..... and the two of them drove off. As I watched them drive away all the memories of the hours upon hours Mom and I spent in that car came rushing back. I wanted to chase them across the parking lot and demand they give me the car.....yes, another crazy idea, but it seemed good at the time :)

And then I realized that out of all the people I could have found with my Mom's car, I found a Mother and Daughter! How perfect is that?

I don't know why it was so important for me to find her car. But now that I really found it, I somehow feel better knowing another daughter is riding around in her Mom's car. Maybe they're singing along to the radio, or laughing at each other's jokes.....maybe even telling secrets! :)

While my reality of life without Mom keeps rushing back, that young girl's reality includes hours upon hours spent with her Mom.....in my Mom's car. Yes, special things happen in that car, and I have a peace knowing that "Old Man Tan" Impala is once again allowing a Mom and Daughter hours of fun!

It's not my reality anymore.....but I hope that girl enjoys every second with her Mom.