Change

Did you notice the new blog design?

How about the new music?

Change. Something that didn't bother me a whole lot until after Mom passed away. 

                               Change:

to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., 

 of (something) different from what it is or from 

 what it would be if left alone:

The change that comes with the death of a parent is not something you should have to deal with at my age. It's not natural. My future course was changed. My family's life was not left alone.

So because of that I tried to control everything I had the power to keep from changing. For the longest time it gave me the feeling of power. Like I was karate chopping the devil in the face and saying

Ha! Take that Devil! Let's see you try to mess with this part of my life!

Like the devil really cares that I refuse to use any kind of laundry detergent other than the brand Mom used.....even if the other stuff is on sale! 

Yes, POWER!

No, road blocks.

 Laundry detergent? A road block?

Yep. And all the other silly little things too. I was living in the past. It felt as if I was holding on to a piece of Mom by keeping everything else as normal as possible. Right down to listening to music every Sunday morning while getting ready for church; or the way Mom's purse is still exactly the way she left it the night before she passed away. I even had an extremely difficult time deciding to grow out a particular hair cut because Mom had loved it so much.

And I know a lot of things will still seem 'normal' simply because it's just what comes naturally; because of the way I was raised some things just come from habit.

But I realized I was holding on to things and forcing myself to do things a certain way because this is how Mom would have done it.

No. Mom would have said, "Do it YOUR way Kristin. Live your life. Be your own person."

Sigh. Right down to my blog.

Mom and I sat together one night and designed my blog layout, making sure all the little details were just right. It took us hours! We loved it!

But it's been like that for almost 2 years, and recently I was kind of wanting a change. *gasp*

And for months I refused to change it because thats the way my blog looked the last time Mom saw it.

Oh. My. Gosh.

I had a dream the other night in which Mom was quite upset with me that I was holding on to all this silly stuff. When I woke up the next morning I felt like she had kicked my butt in to gear. Funny how she still has the ability to do that :]

I started slowly making little changes over the next few days. Hence, the new blog design. One of the smaller things yes, but I'm still working on it.

With Mom's butt-kicking dream and my new medicines making me feel a little more like a human being, I fully intend on making changes in the more important and bigger things in life. Like becoming my own independent person, and not relying on my Dad for so much support from the other side of the country.

I'm a big girl now :]

That big stuff will take some time; so for now I'm going to work on some more of the smaller stuff.

So pardon me while I go rearrange my pots and pans.